But That Don't Make It Right!

                                        But That Don't Make It Right!

     What marks the difference between man and the apes is a sense of right and wrong. Man doesn't seem to have it anymore. Oh, he probably has it, but it's politically incorrect to say anything about it. Any cockamamie idea that comes along is enshrined in marble and tis forbidden to question the wisdom thereof forever more. It's no longer sufficient to accept absurdity, we must accept in silence, indeed with a smile, lest we become known as intolerant, hateful, or racist. Our opinions, learned over a lifetime, must be cast by the wayside to make room for a new odor. An fragrance generated by the ramblings of any fringe group that has the kettle at the time. If one comes forward and voices anything anywhere near common sense, or a spirit of conservative caution they are ostracized from the kitchen with great ceremony. Let me demonstrate. 

     Let's take gay marriage to start out with. Save your fork, this is gonna get good. I am not endorsing gay bashing, and what adults do in their homes is none of my business. What I am saying is most people really can't get their minds around a term like "gay marriage." It is in the same catagory as  the phrase, "Please pass me the piano." So why do so many people endorse it, or dodge the issue? Well, there's the political correct factor. Add to that the cool factor and there you are. Some TV personality sits up there flaunting her lifestyle which would probably be illegal in most states and everyone bows to the god of correctness so as not to appear intolerant. But it's like having an affair with your sister. It might feel good at the time, but that don't make it right! We have always had gay people. Paul Lynde was openly gay. So was Truman Capote. I laughed at Paul Lynde's jokes and I read "In Cold Blood," but would I endorse Truman Capote marrying Liberace? C'mon, get real! In Shreveport of the 1950's such an assumption would have been an absurdity. And friends and neighbors, it's still absurd today, only everyone is afraid to say it. 

     Now, let's smoke a joint. I have never rolled marijuana, but I have rolled in the floor laughing at Cheech and Chong. Their style of humor was known as absurdity. You see, there are formulas, that when invoked, will make people laugh. Misdirection, surprise, and absurdity are just three of those formulas. But did I believe the lifestyle portrayed in those movies is viable? Are YOU smoking dope? The addict lifestyle shown in those films is an absurdity. It shows two guys who go through their day in a marijuana haze who always have a car, women, enough to eat and they NEVER run out of grass. In reality, the daily quest for that elusive first high is a miserable existence. I have SEEN the real daily lives of these people as they count quarters on a Sunday morning, trying to find a "bag." For most it's never recreational, it is LIFE! The hunt for the end of a smoky rainbow only gets farther away the more you strive for it. If you had common sense you realized that. It is amazing that some people who would never consider the Three Stooges to be reality would try to roll the same size joint they saw in a Cheech and Chong movie. Do I think people should be persecuted to the ends of the earth for possessing marijuana? Certainly not. If legally available, after the novelty wears off, the exact same percentage that was smoking when it was illegal will be smoking when it is legal. The Lord said, "The poor you shall always have with you." Just replace the word "poor" with "stupid" and there you are. 

     Role models. Now there's an area that people dodge like the plague. Wilbur's Psychology 101: Children watch adults and imitate them. They don't LISTEN, they WATCH!  Time was when singers and entertainers put forward their public face and kept their private one, well, private. When a singer sang, the image was a positive one, no matter what problems they had at home. I'm here to tell you, boys and girls, if you climb out of the muck and mire of the music business, and attain a spot on the Billboard throne you've GOT some issues! Judy Garland had ISSUES. Brittney Spears has issues, too. What's the difference now. Brittney parades her issues so that all the little fourteen year old girls can imitate her, and the ones she misses ol' "Just a Beaver" will be happy to pick right up...between arrests! And don't even get me started on Rap Stars. Now, yet again, I have liked some Rap, but usually the song has some merit. Like "Riding Dirty." If you listen, and I mean really listen to the words of that song you will hear the acceptance of the reality of life in the "hood," with the singer explaining that he is NOT riding dirty and the cops are corrupt. I am still amazed at how he talks so fast. The problem is that children don't LISTEN, they SEE! They imitate the images, not the words.  In my day we were stupid, too. Hank Williams was an alcoholic's alcoholic. He drank himself to death in the back of his Cadillac on the way to his last show, and every ONE of the people who were to come into the Country Music scene after that thought that his lifestyle was the way to achieve stardom. You simply could NOT compose a hit song unless you had a drinking problem stemming from a failed marriage. How crazy is THAT? And it becomes ingrained in a child's mind. To this DAY my favorite libation is the "Boiler Maker" because that's what HANK drank! Children will always do this. They imitate what they see. Good parenting is where you make sure they see the right things and when they see the wrong things you are there to explain the difference between showmanship and reality. I am so proud of my grandchildren. I have meticulously taught them the difference between reality, and imagery. They will watch a movie and constantly ask, "Is this real, PaPa?" 

     I could stretch this article twenty pages or more, but I think by now you get my drift. It all boils right back down to common sense. If it don't feel good don't DO it. That also goes for anything that rubs against your instinct of common decency, or something that disgusts you. You do have a responsibility to society, but that responsibility is to be YOURSELF! If you are told the flag is offensive you KNOW that's wrong. Just SAY it. If a religious group is espousing terrorism, or protesting someone's funeral, or kissing a rattlesnake, just see it for what it is. Wilbur's Math 101: There are more of US than there are of THEM. Realize that, and USE it. Don't be ashamed of being decent. Stand up, make your stand, and if you look behind you, you just may see a whole bunch of people who look just like YOU!

     

What's It Worth To You?

                                             What's It Worth To You?

     States along the Mexican border have a daunting task. Actually, the US/Mexican border is unique. What we have is a superpower bordering up on a third world country. Except for the cartels Mexico is one broke mother! I don't know what the exchange rate is, or if they even have one, but when I went down there back in my high school years, you couldn't even buy a beer with pesos. 

     Mexico has two classes of people. Rich as hell, and broke as hell. You're either selling the dope or growing the dope. Oh, I can hear the Yankees already. "Now, Wilbur, you're stereotyping the entire country." SIT YOUR BUTTS DOWN! If you are born a poor Mexican you will most likely DIE a poor Mexican. There is a Mexican saying. "If tomorrow crap was deemed to have the value of gold, the next poor child born would be born without a butt hole!" That's why they swim the river and jump the fence so much. And you think Bill Winsor's term Lawless America has some validity? Try Lawless Mexico! The Mexicans wouldn't know what a constitution was if it ran up and peed on their leg. 

     The growth of the cartels is a demonstration of a perfect economic storm. You take a country where a majority of the population is staving to DEATH, and consider this, they mostly eat beans, and you brush it up against a country with lots of money and a coke habit from hell, then you stand back in snake amazement when SOMEBODY south of the border figured out a way to fill that need. And the Mexicans are not an evil people. They're just desperate. Most are family oriented, religious, and hard working, but when you are forced into a situation with no hope it molds your character. I'd like to say that here in Texas, when I see a Mexican man on the street, most of the time he is walking to work. And we all know the Home Depot jokes, but ask yourself, what are they doing hanging around there? They are there hoping to get a day's work. 

     They know their country is screwed up. That's why they fight so hard to get out of there. All that touchy-feely stuff aside, we can't take them to raise. We DO have laws. Our only problem is the wetback in the White House. Mexicans have been jumping the border forever, but no one ever gave them a bus ride to Murrieta! And if you think that disturbs YOU, what do you think a Mexican who crossed legally, worked, studied, memorized history, learned another language, and took YEARS to raise his right hand to become an American thinks? 

     You see, that's the rub right there. A different mentality. That Mexican who does everything right IS an American. He exemplifies the dream of every immigrant who ever stepped onto Ellis Island in the hope of opening a shop on Mulberry Street and raising his family in what he considered to be the greatest country in the world. When you just jump a fence and some guy in Washington rubber stamps you there is no respect. There is no sense of achievement. You didn't earn a single thing. The legal immigrant should hold his head high, and walk among men, but when he sees his countrymen usurping the system he has to ask himself, "Why?"

     Just like I told you last week that we will always have guns, I'm telling you now that we will always have wetbacks. Until Mexico develops an economy strong enough to support it's population there will always be people struggling to get across that border, and Mexico will probably never fix its financial situation. The solution is to let it be known that the people here, both Anglo AND Latin, will not tolerate it. Right now Doc Greene, Johnny Johnson, and a host of others are doing just that. They are lining up at the border and letting it be known that as Texans, we will not be humiliated by the onrush coming up from Mexico. George Rodriguez too. He's there. Several generations of fine Texans behind him, and he is just as adamant about border security as anyone else. 

     We are all tested in various ways. This current crisis is just God's way of asking, "What's it worth to you?" He sees the millions of abortions. He sees the degradation of marriage. He sees the "instant coffee" mentality of this generation, and He has led us into our forty years in the desert, until this generation is consumed. So, what IS it worth to you. Only you can answer that question. Doc and the boys are giving their answer right now. God Bless the Republic of Texas!

Onions, Blooming Onions and Onion Rings

                                 Onions, Blooming Onions, and Onion Rings

     One of the lovely things about being a Simple Ol' Boy From Austin is, well, being simple. That concept permeates all that I write, and infuriates my critics. People wonder how I find so much humor in current events, and it's basically very easy. When you  peel back the layers of the politically correct onion, and put it on a plate it generates humor. After the mainstream media, oh gosh, let's just throw in alternative media, too, puts layer upon layer of spin on any given situation, all you have to do is step back, take a good look at the actual event, and, as the homeboys say in Killeen, "Whomp! Dey it is!"

     Let's begin with the crash of MH17, shall we? To start out,  flying on anything out of Indonesia is stupid. That in itself demonstrates Darwin's theory of natural selection. Indonesia is a totally Muslim country with no tolerance, and that's pretty stupid right there. So, anyway, they take off and file their flight plan...right OVER a war zone! See where this is going folks? You have a full blown civil war going on down there and you're cruising along eating peanuts and flirting with the flight attendants. Down on the ground you have a bunch of guys running around who are taking hits from every direction, in possession of a tank-like vehicle loaded up with not one, but FOUR missiles that could take out the White House. (Hmmm, now there's a thought.) Anyway, I digress. So, these guys are wiping the gunpowder out of their eyes, looking up and what do they see? A vapor trail! Have you ever looked up at a commercial jet flying at 35,000 feet. When I was a kid I thought the vapor trail was the whole plane! You can't SEE the plane! So, what do they do? Why shucks! Fire off them missiles! Shoot that sucker down! The stream of obscenities flowing out over the phone lines when the soldiers came upon the crash scene, what with luggage, cocktail glasses and Barbie Dolls led investigators in Rotterdam to conclude that the plane MIGHT have been hit by a missile. Well, butter my butt, and call me a biscuit. 

     Now, for your reading pleasure lets look at the case of Oscar Pistorius. Oh God, where do I start? Ok, let's peel this onion. You got this cripple (politically incorrect enough for you?) sleeping with this drop dead (oh, bad choice of words) super model, and he is awakened by a noise. He sits up in bed, which is no easy trick cause he ain't GOT no legs, and stumps off down the hall with a pistol looking for an intruder. Now, let's roll this back a frame or two. Didn't notice that the GIRL  was not in bed. I've done some dumb stuff in my life boys and girls, but I have NEVER misplaced a piece of tail. He hears a sound emanating from the bathroom, so what does he do? Does he call out his girlfriend's name? It was never quite clear if he checked under the sheets or not.   Why, heck NO! He pops off four or five rounds through the door, which he then, and only then, realizes he just might be missing a chick somewhere in the house, batters down the door, and there she is! Uh, she's looked better. A large amount of time was consumed trying to ascertain if Oscar was walking or stumping at the time, and did he scream like a man or a woman. Oscar never screamed for us in court, what with all the crying and puking, but, long story made short he was cleared of murder, and  the judge is still laboring over just WHAT Oscar might be guilty of. Now that's not an onion, that's a BLOOMING onion!

     Finally, we have Obama's solution for ISIS. Here it comes folks. Save your fork! I've already given you my take on ISIS, but for new kids on the block it is a group of Muslims who are ticked off at anyone who doesn't wear the correct towel. Oh, and they don't like girls either. Well, ISIS has been tearing through Syria, which is no easy trick because Syria is tore UP! Then they stomped off into Iraq, and decided to declare an Islamic State. Now, this is a little like the "Bloods" declaring California to be a HomeBoy Nation, ok? In the process they lob off a couple heads for everyone's edification and the news hungry populace lost its collective mind. That's what Muslims DO, people. They cut people's heads off and beat the devil out of their women. Well, Obama decided to make a speech. I was going to watch, but I was busy getting drunk at the time, having a serious conversation with a lizard on my back porch so I missed it, but I caught the replay and here's what transgressed. Barak is sending in men and equipment to "contain" ISIS, but it's not going to be a war. Somewhere I hear the ghost of Bruce Lee saying, "The art of fighting widout fighting." Now, THIS is onion RINGS, people. You got at least TWO groups of disorganized idiots duking it out, who can't even agree on the Qu'ran, and expecting them to understand that we're there to just teach someone how to shoot the right guy, Am I the only one who thinks this game plan just MIGHT blow up in our face? I'm not even going to get into all the intricacies of this situation but I will ask, what DIFFERENCE will it make? I'll close with a statement I'd LIKE to hear Obama make. "I want to make this perfectly clear. When you go to Starbucks there are many types of coffee, but it's all still coffee. All presidents have many different approaches to different situations. I'm the Mocha choice."

September 11

                                                          September 11

     Today is my birthday. When you get up around my age, birthdays tend to come a lot faster than they used to. I have noticed that I'm looking a bit older these days, but I'm happy that I'm aging like Sean Connery. I seem to have accumulated some knowledge about women, too. In high school I was a nerd. I was the only one who went on the obligatory trip to Mexico and couldn't find a date down there, and I HAD the five dollars. Now THAT'S a nerd, folks! 

     I had an interesting chat with my granddaughter, Puck, yesterday. She's seven, and I told her today was my birthday. She asked me if I was going to die. Now, you first reaction to a question like that from a child is to wonder what she sees that you don't. Then you find yourself staring into the mirror for the longest time while you brush your teeth. And about that, how did I end up with "old guy" mouth? My teeth are all healthy, but just old!  

     Anyway, Puck told me she loved me. Then she said that if I was to go ahead and kick the bucket today she wanted to have me cremated so I could be with her always. As an added feature she would give a scoop of me to her four little brothers so I could be with THEM, too. I feel it's only fair too mention Puck's real name is Carrie. 

     I used to be a good Catholic, but as I learned more about women I strayed from the party line a bit. You know you're over the hill when you can legally date a woman who was born after you got your first divorce. One thing I've learned about young women is they can't drink, and that flaw has served me well over the last few years. (Lord, I'm sorry I did that, I'll try not to do that in the future.) One girl I'd like to get drunk is Wendy Davis. I mean, with her views on abortion you KNOW what she likes to do, right?

     About the only thing of historical significance that ever happened on my birthday until 2001 was Patton disobeying orders, invading Germany ANYWAY, and sending a picture to Omar Bradley, taken from behind, of him pee peeing in the Rhine. There was some saint who's feast day was my birthday. He had a limp like me, but never really did anything. Guess he was a nerd, too. My birthday is starting to be called, "Freedom Day," which, after four divorces I can totally relate to. 

     My physical, and lab work came in last week and I'm fit as a fiddle. In former days, I would rise in the morning and say an "Our Father," maybe throw in a few "Hail Mary's," for good measure, and charge into the morning. These days I sit on the edge of the bed, wish my shoes weren't so far away, and just say, "DAMN!" My memory is intact. (DAMN!) 

     I detest birthday parties, but a few gifts drifted in. One was a box of Oliva cigars. I got a thirty pack of beer to go with them. Frenchi sent me a note saying good things come to those who wait. I'm so glad she's of age! There was no cake. (I hate cake!) About the most exciting thing coming up this week is the arrival of a cold front on Friday, and if you're a Texan you can appreciate that. I ran out of  Aleve, and I need to address that situation, but I'm regular, and that's always nice. 

     I remember my old business partner, W C Dorrill, who died at eighty-nine or so. If there was ever a type number one capitalist it was him. When I asked him how he viewed getting so old he said, "I wake up each day, reach for the paper, look at the obituaries, and if I don't see my name, I get up!

The United States of TEXAS

                                    The United States of TEXAS

     Governor Perry went to Japan this week, and he gave a speech which began with, "Texas is not a nation." What is a nation? The definition has been refined until nations look like the serving line at McDonalds. With well defined borders, except when it comes to Texas, they seem to have overlooked that one, an official language, oops, and people that pretty much look alike, struck out on that one too. Ok, let's start over. A nation is a bunch of people who think they're running the show. There! 

     Texas has always run its own show. That's what makes us stand out. The very fact that Perry, a lame duck governor, was even IN Japan at all to speak is proof that the world sees the United States, and then they see Texas, and never the two will mix. Our flag is recognized all over the world and the reputation of Texans is famous. Even Billy the Kid surrendered like a school girl when Pat Garrett called out to him saying he had one hundred and fifty TEXANS with him. The battle of the Alamo showed Texan resolve, and the inability to count to five thousand. There was some idiot on Doc Greene's morning show yesterday going on about the "union" and preserving it, and we're all Americans. Well, I'm not an American, I'm a Texan and want very little to do with anything dreamed up by a bunch of Yankees. Now, some,of those Yankees were good. They weren't born in Texas, but they got here as fast as they could. 

     Texas always has been, and always will be independent. All the other states are just states. A bunch of one hit wonders. Take Idaho for instance. Their license plates had the term, "Famous Potatoes," on it. We have, "Remember the Alamo!" What have they got? "Remember the potatoes?" And California! Oh, don't get me started. Now Cali is diverse, I'll give you that, but it's just plain weird out there. You know it's true. Think of the last five really weird things you read in the news and take a look at where MOST of it came from. And now it's fashionable to use the term, "California Republic!" Where did THAT come from. You are a republic when you kick another country's butt and parade its president under an oak tree like a ...well, I won't say that bad word. Let's just say, "Female Dog," ok? Anyway, we DID that! 

     I've used the term Republic of Texas de facto before. What that means, simply put is if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and looks like a duck, then it MUST be a duck. Texas has always marched to the beat of its own drummer. We now send so much money to the US it's beginning to look like foreign aid to a banana republic. QUACK! 

     So, I came  up with a solution to all of these problems. First, we move the Capitol of the United States to Austin. Our building is taller than theirs anyway,  and it's not surrounded by a slum. Then we change the national anthem to "The Eyes of Texas Are Upon You." It's a better song and has a pertinent message. You have keep an eye on them Yankees all the time. We also need to pull all the troops out of the Middle East and bring them home. We're going to need them...to invade Mexico. I'm so sick and tired of seeing hordes of people flowing north across the border. Time we reversed that, and see how they like it. It'll be easy. Ain't nobody down there but the help. 

     I guess if he's still in office we'll probably have to bring Obama down here, but we won't let him run the government. We can put him in charge of Thundercloud Subs IF he doesn't try to turn it into a rib joint. Make Eric Holder a border patrol guard. Give him a good look at all those guns he ran to the cartels. Now Hillary's not in office right now but idle hands are the Devil's tools so we can just fire the Chicken Ranch back up and put her in charge of that. She can bring Bill along too. 

     And Governor Perry. He looks good. Can't remember his lines too well, but we got TelePrompTers  for that. Remember Vince? You know, "Follow me camera guy." Well Rick can do that really good. "I'm gonna take your water fund and flush it down the toilette. Are you with me camera guy?" 

     We can rock along like that for say, fifty years. Run the whole shebang from sixth street, basically. Steal all their money, wreck their health care, put 'em all on food stamps and we won't HAVE to secede from the Yankees. They'll secede from US!

We Don't PLAY

                                                        We Don't Play

     Texas has a terrible reputation when it comes to guns, a reputation that has not been earned. People stereotype Texas as the "Wild West," and that largely is based on B grade westerns and a misunderstanding of what Texan philosophy really is. Ok, we have guns, but if you want to see guns go out to Arizona. Now they have GUNS! A lot of Texans carry guns, either licensed or unlicensed. I carry without benefit of state blessing and the reason is simple. I've been attacked only in my yard or at a convienence store. Under Texas law I can carry a gun in my car and in my house. I have no reason to carry anywhere else. I don't go to movies, rarely sit down in a cafe and I do NOT go to malls or any other large gathering of people. 

     Gun control will not change my habits. Let me fill you in with some facts. No matter how big that pie in the sky is that you are praying to there will always be guns! There will always be bad people who will use those guns, and if you think not having a way to defend yourself will change this then you are wrong. DEAD wrong! Swat them bees, swat them bees. The police can't protect you and reasoning with some nut who's shooting everyone in sight because he can't get a date will get you killed. The only way to at least give yourself a fighting chance in today's world is to have a gun and know how to use it. 

     Now THAT'S the Texas philosophy. Even a dog has teeth. Nature abounds with ingenious ways that creatures protect themselves. Rattlesnakes don't go human hunting, the bite when threatened. Gorillas will run at you and make a big scene rather than fight, but will defend themselves if attacked. Humans are no different. The one thing that keeps society civilized is the control factor that each member of society has a way to preserve their life should the need arise. Most people killed at Luby's were very quiet and their last words were, "Please don't." An active shooter will not actively shoot up a police station, or a National Guard ammo dump, but he will shoot up a school because he knows he's SAFE! No return fire. 

     The most insane oxymoron ever devised was the theory that if you take away the method of defense from the general population then those intent on mayhem will somehow calm down. What calms them down is ending up dead after the first shot. Even the craziest crackhead, after understanding this is the norm rather than the exception will find other fields to plow. Every bank I've ever been in has an armed guard, yet I've not seen one police officer ever guarding our children in a school. On what planet does that make any sense?

     You will never get rid of all the guns, and as long as there is one gun and a box of bullets you have the recipe for disaster. That's Texas understanding too! If Obama thinks that liberal line of reasoning works so well then why doesn't he take the guns away from his Secret Service and give them night sticks? He won't do that because he knows the first girl with a .22 will issue HIM an executive order he never will forget! That is the way it is people!

     Texas is not as rip roaring as the liberal media would have you to believe. We just don't play. That's what's happening on the border right now. We don't play. An article I read today said there had been 74 shootings at schools since Sandy Hook. How many of those were in Texas? We don't play. And they can pass all the gun control laws they want. Not one real Texan will give up his or her right to defend themselves. We don't PLAY! 

     If the entire nation simply went by the second amendment, and anyone could have a gun, and ABC, CNN, and MSNBC would just munch their bagels and shut their mouths you would see a dramatic drop in crime, and that's just a fact friends. Like the song says, "Put a few more in the ground, that'll settle 'em down!" Have a safe trip to the mall. 

Little Red Riding Republican

                                         Little Red Riding Republican

     The children gathered round, their little faces glowing in the light from the fireplace, "Tell us a story, PaPa!"

     "What kind of story would you like?"

     "Something relevant," the little girl said.

     "Yes," the four boys chimed in, "Relevant! Relevant!"

     The old man lit his politically incorrect pipe, and taking a sip from his martini he nodded. "Yes, relevance is important." He leaned back, drew in the smoke and began, the children's eyes wide with expectation.

     "Once upon a time there was a little girl who owned a coat, purchased by her grandma from earnings she had made from investments back when the old kingdom was strong. She was called Little Red Riding Republican."

     "Was the coat used, PaPa?"

     "Oh no! In those days, before the dark times, there were great factories all over the kingdom. People came from other kingdoms just to buy things. But that was in the days of King George the first. As you know, he was deposed by Bill the Adulterer, who seized the castle with his Queen, the evil evil Hillary of Arkansas, or was it New York? No one ever really knew because she had the ability to shift change to the point where the people couldn't even tell if she was a queen or a king, but I digress."

     The wind howled from outside the cottage, and the old man put another log on the fire. As the embers leaped within the fireplace he continued, "Subsequently, Little Red Riding Republican grew up in a time of war, for after a season, a season, and half a season of the Adulterer, the son of King George the first regained the castle, and the people rejoiced. They said, 'The factories will now return. Grain will again fill the silos, and we will have more gold, for good King George the Second will give back to the people that which the Adulterer has taken!"

     "But, they were wrong, weren't they, PaPa?"

     "Oh, yes they were! For King George the Second was not like his father. While he was away at joust an evil prince conjured up his knights and told them to ride on the backs of two dragons, and destroy the two towers wherein the wealth of the kingdom was kept, for he believed this would crumble the kingdom. King George the Second went on a crusade, but he could never find the evil prince. What little gold he had left he spent pursuing the prince, but the prince vanished as if he had magical powers. After that, God dimmed the light of his wisdom, and King George the Second began to imagine the evil prince was here, there, everywhere, and he saw windmills that existed only in his mind, and he pursued these windmills with a vengeance, even slaying other kings who had no such windmills.  He even withdrew the ancient sword from the rock called 'Constitution,' and flung it into the great sea, and freedom was soon gone from the land."

     "And the people said nothing because they thought King George was like his father, right PaPa?"

     "Yes, they did. They thought that he was a member of the sacred order of Republican, but in reality he was not. They had memories of great King Reagan."

     The little girl's eyes grew wide, and she said, "But King Reagan was not a king, but the court Jester, right PaPa?"

     "You are right. He constructed bedtime stories that lured the people into a false sense of security. King George the Second was using these bedtime stories to make the people believe the windmills were real. King George the Second made crusades against Kingdom after Kingdom, until he had exhausted all of his gold. Freedom was gone from the land and a great pestilence came upon the kingdom. The plague of RECESSION! He told the people lies. He said paper was gold, and that the evil prince was mounting a great army to make war."

     "Where did King George go, PaPa?"

     "Well, that's where Little Red Riding Republican comes in. She had been raised in the wisdom handed down from generation to generation. She had eyes of blue, and flaxen hair that fell down around her shoulders. She would take long walks in the country, and one day, during one of these walks she became lost and a figure appeared out of thin air. It was the black knight!"

     "And no one knew where he came from, isn't that right, PaPa?"

     "Yes! He asked her where she was going and she told him that she was going nowhere, for she had lost her direction. He told her that he, the black knight would show her the way out of the woods by using a magic incantation he called, 'Hope and Change!' Little Red Riding Republican did not totally believe the black knight, but he smiled upon her, and she became vexed. But he was a member of a dark, and secret order. The Order of the Liberal Democrats! They lie, and steal, and vex the people increasingly."

     "And eat little children like us!"

     "Oh yes! They eat little children even before they are born, and if they are born they steal them and give them to anyone who has the gold to buy them. The black knight so vexed Little Red Riding Republican that she began to believe all of his lies. Then, by way of sorcery, he pretended to show her a path out of the woods. She could not see that the woods were still there, but the black knight had fooled her by an evil spell called 'misdirection.' She began to run through all the villages calling, 'The black knight will save us. Only he has the magic!' And the people believed! The kingdom rose with such veracity that they gave the castle to the black knight and he became the king."

     "But, he had no magic, did he PaPa?"

     "Oh no, he was practiced at the art of misdirection. Whenever confronted with the truth he would wave his hand and say, 'Don't look there, look HERE!' And, while the people were looking at his right hand, his left would be doing all manner of iniquity. Soon the kingdom was under a cloud of lies called 'Political Correctness,' and no one could discern the truth for all wisdom had been taken from the land. People longed for the days of the great kings, but those days were no more. The Kingdom was not even a Kingdom anymore for even though his subjects were still believing the black knight's lies, other kings did not, nor did they fear the black knight's armies, nor respect his paper gold any longer. Soon the kingdom was overrun with bandits."

     "But, PaPa, what ever became of Little Red Riding Republican?"

     "Oh, that's where the story changes. She regained her wisdom by listening to a very wise oracle, Princess Kathie of Glass, and she began to read, and understand, and scales fell from her eyes, and she saw clearly all the lies and sorcery the black knight had wrought upon his kingdom. A new kingdom sprang from the earth, and the black knight gnashed his teach, tore his robe and ate his paper gold. The kingdom of Texas was born, and the people said, 'We shall place the sword back into the stone called 'Constitution' and we shall set a seal upon it so that it may never be withdrawn again' and the people lived happily ever after!"

     The old man finished his martini and said, "Now, your children must go to bed for tomorrow you must be ready for school, and other people have jobs to go to. "

     "But, PaPa, what ever became of the black knight?"

     "He was vanquished to a prison called CNN, where, to this day he tries to revive his scroll on racial division, but the people no longer believe, and they know that he, too, is seeing windmills that are not really there!"