Revelations

   When John wrote the Revelation he could have handled things a tad differently. Plain English would have helped, but Greek was what he had to work with at the time. John was an old man confined to Patmos, counting the hours with nothing but a quill, some paper, and whole LOT of time. Now, before I venture off into this string of blasphamies please understand that I AM from Texas and my mother had a very, how do I put this, concise understanding of the Bible, which she imparted to me before I was five years old and I've been left of center all my life. 

   The imagery of Revelation is, well, crazy. From people with swords coming out of their mouths to seven headed dragons to women running off into the desert, the work abounds with imagery that would astound the Beatles. Want to know what astounds me? People who take that imagery LITERALLY! The book is written in a style known as Apocalyptic. Jews had the mindset that when things went terribly wrong God would eventually send someone to set things to right. That's all cool, we all need hope. There were many reasons for John to invoke this style. First off it was super cool. The old boy had Greek down. If you can read Greek you find very quickly that the prose in Revelation is elevated. It smacks of the same style that the Gospel of John was penned in and that's why Biblical scholars ascribe it to the same author. The three synoptic Gospels were like narratives describing what happened, and the Book of John delved into the "why." 

   The next reason for the verbiage was we must remember that John was in the joint! For some reason he was exiled and allowed to live and write. The Romans were a bi-polar people. They would show clemency to an old man, but if their patience ran short they'd nailed him up on a tree and let the dogs eat his feet off. That fact alone would tend to make one a bit ambiguous in what was written. The Romans read Greek quite well.  

   The book starts out simply enough. There are messages to be sent to seven churches. I'd like to point out that John wasn't writing one letter to the Pope, but addressing seven distinct churches, each with a different take on the faith. John said he was "in the spirit" and that's good because he saw someone holding stars in his hand, with his eyes on fire, his feet too, and a two edged sword proceeding from his mouth. That was . . . special. Nothing to see here folks, just move along. John falls down and is reassured by the man that's it's all cool because  he runs everything. The vision explains the meaning of the stars.

   He tells John to write and launches into a lecture addressed to the church in Ephesus. It seems that the church there started out well enough, but had attracted some TV evangelists and if they didn't sort it out he was going to come and revoke their franchise, or words to that effect. 

   Then he moves onto Smyrna. He was onto some people trying to act like Jews, but weren't, and this is most interesting because he is addressing JEWS here. He didn't seem to have a problem with real Jews, but JINOs (Jews In Name Only) tended to rub him the wrong way. He went easy on this church. 

 Next he addresses Pergamos. He acknowledges that this church lives in the pits, and is trying hard, but they are holding onto the old ways a bit much which is confusing the "children of Israel" and eating forbidden food. Then he tells them to get it right or he'll show them what that sword in his mouth is really for. Kinda like working for Steve Jobs. In short, stop eating that pork or he'll come down and eat THEIR lunch!

   Now we move right on up to Thyatira. Again he praises the good works of this church, but it seems they've got this "girl." She, too, has been serving up pork chops with an added twist; she dishes them out naked! She thinks she's some kind of preacher, completely forgetting that she's dealing with a bunch of Jews. He was cool with all that for a while, and gave her some time to come back to the fold, but she just partied on and his patience was wearing thin. He's a little more direct with this chick, saying he's going to throw her into a bed, mess up all her boyfriends' lives and kill all her kids to let them know he means business, and he's only playing by the rules they set! He admits that not all the people in this church messed up and just be cool until,he gets back.

   Then it's the church at Sardis' turn in the barrel. The message is simple. Heads up, you've been messing up from day one! He implores them to at least TRY to be a church because they'll never know when the boss will show up and find them on an extended coffee break. Again he is fair and won't throw the baby out with the bath water. 

   Church of Philadelphia, come on down! First, I like to say this is the one name that makes any sense. He lets them know that he understands they are trying hard, but they're weak. That's fine because he's got their back, and yet again he states he doesn't care much for JINOs. He's going to leave the door open to the big house and put all the "liars" working for them in the kitchen. 

   Last, but not least, we have the church at Laodicea! These guys are a bunch of RINOs (Republicans In Name Only.) He's going to spit them out if they don't fly right. Seems they've been walking proud and talking loud but  it's all a a big publicity stunt that aggravates him and amounts to nothing. What we have here, people, is the Westboro Baptist Church. He lets them know that there's a new Sheriff in town but he will pick them up, and  dust them off because he really likes these guys. Must have been because they didn't eat any pork. 

   Then John is snatched up and gets a peek at Heaven. All the buzzers and bells complete with people falling down, praying and praising. We find a four headed beast straight out of the book of Daniel. If you try to figure out what all the faces and wings and eyes mean you will come up against a thousand differing opinions. Suffice to say it's a great place to be and everybody appreciates the accommodations. 

   Then the throne produces a book sealed with, you guessed it, seven seals, and it seems nobody has a letter opener. Enter the "Lion of Judah" and "Root of David," and it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out who THAT is! In short order this "lamb" begins to break seals and everybody is amazed. Out of the book comes horses and scales and people. This is where interpretation comes in and I'm not going to even TRY to tell you what they mean because this is totally one of those areas where John was putting a very Jewish spin on things, and you can put them horses in almost any corral. 

    Then there was this seventh seal, and let me tell you, brothers and sisters, that one was a dandy! Seven angels get seven trumpets, we have incense, and even an earthquake. This is heaven, but we have an earthquake. Means something, I guess, let's move on. 

    This was all very fine but the Angels decided to PLAY the trumpets and all hell broke loose. We get hail, fire, blood, all the grass burned up. Wait! Earthquakes, grass fires . . . Could heaven be in California? Just a thought. Then a burning mountain gets thrown in the sea and kills most of the fish and it seems a shooting star messed up the rivers.  This star is called Wormwood and don't get me started, but it seems the water is fouled. Then, of course we had to hit the dimmer switch on the sun and moon and somebody yells out the door that it hadn't got bad yet. 

    Another falling star and a big pit. Some locusts, and, of course, scorpions. (Is this starting to sound a lot like Moses?) Theres an army that killed a third of all the men, but they were hard headed and just kept on messing up. Some people! 

    Then there was this angel dressed like Liberace. I don't know what he told John, but he told him to forget about it. Must have been something about pork. Then John had to eat a book which started out good, but gave him indigestion. Having eaten several of my books I can understand that. 

    Then there was these two guys, and they had it going on, but got overmatched and ended up getting killed. Hey, don't sweat it, they came back in the final reel.  Then it was announced that the Kingdoms of the earth were now God's Kingdoms, and you'd think it was all over. Au Contraire! Save your fork. 

    A woman makes her appearance and from all the moon and stars stuff if that ain't Mary I'm not a white boy from Austin! Enter the Dragon. One third of the stars of heaven get swayed over to his side. Can you imagine a stupid angel. I mean, these cats are supposed to be on the ball. Looking God right in the face and run off with some Biker who thinks he's got it going on. No wonder God's ticked off. Anyway, she has a kid, he gets pulled right up to heaven and she runs off to Palm Springs or someplace to get away from the dragon who still thinks he has something to say. He takes off after the woman like a wild dog, but it doesn't do him any good so he hires two beasts, one from the Earth, and one from the sea. This part ends with the 666 thing. 

    Of all the bells, whistles, dragons, lambs, trumpets, swords and flying horses, it amazes me how much people ponder this number. This number is one size fits all because you can adapt it to any given situation. From men to systems to credit cards, 666 will cast its shadow over almost anything. Clue here: it's PROBABLY something Jewish. You think? Maybe John was slipping in a hint about somebody he didn't like, and remember, he WAS doing time for going to church. 

    All during this God's getting madder by the millennium, and he ain't quite done with us yet! Remember those trumpets? Well now we have vials! New and improved hell and damnation for everybody and some people are still cussing at the top of their lungs. Dudes! Give it up! 

    In all good stories you need a whore, and by golly we got us one. She's decked to the nines and she is DRUNK! She's also riding this critter with seven heads and ten horns. I think I saw this girl at a rodeo in Lampasas once but she wasn't wearing a scarlet robe so I can't be sure. Then John gives us a clue. The seven horns are seven hills (see where this is going?) This has been stretched to mean the Catholic Church, but could it have just been Rome itself? Maybe John was just a little bit irritated at being under house arrest for the rest of his LIFE? Anyway, these idiots get together and declare war on God. And they can't see where this is going. They must have been Democrats.

    In short order the whore gets burned up and all the people who threw in with her have a hissy fit. Like they didn't see all,this coming, right? As soon as she's out of the way the Lamb has a supper, and that's good. Then another horse appears and it's very clear who's riding this horse. He has that same sword coming out of his mouth and remember those two "beasts" the dragon hired? Pitched into a lake of fire. That was pretty much the end of their careers. The Dragon gets tied up for a thousand years, and I never could figure this out, but Jesus cuts him loose? Did he think this guy changed his stripes? He gets everybody together for one last fight but fire comes down and puts an end to the whole sorry mess. Devil gets life without parole, and he's immortal so that sucks!

    The rest of the book is basically a real estate ad and everyone lives happily ever after. All but the Devil and his crew. They're still in the projects. You can fit Revelations into just about any scenario. I've seen theories from passable to out and out crazy. It ends on hope, but people insist on dwelling on all the fire and brimstone. Revelations is a puzzle, and people love puzzles. The human mind strives to complete circles and Revelations has enough open ended circles to occupy the Biblical enthusiast.    The meaning of all this? Quite simple really. God runs the show, have faith, keep your head low and it all works out in the end.  Frankly, I'm amazed that John pulled through it all. Now, this guy was doing life, living on bugs and berries, in his eighties, and he didn't HAVE no nitro, and he pulled through this, wrote it all down, and just went home. That's one tough old Jew! 

From a Simple Ol' Boy From Austin