Grandchildren can be a very fulfilling part of your life. Their joy, playfulness, and love fills your autumn years, so why is it so stressful? Where do they find the capacity to inflict insanity in an otherwise docile old person? I have come up with some things that run you to the edge. If you’re a grandparent you will recognize them all. Repeat, repeat, repeat. . . Two year olds are just figuring out language. There is a lot of baby talk, but they are becoming aware of the importance that communication plays in their lives. Two issues; they still talk 80% baby talk, and they don’t think YOU understand anything so every statement or request is verbally Xeroxed.
Grand People English
Ishiguro wanna anny
What?
Ishiguro wanna anny
What?
ISHIGURO WANNA ANNY!
NO!
No is the only answer you can give in a situation like this. This doesn’t stop the inquiry, however. It will continue for maybe eight hours.
So and so is doing this or that to me
Always remember that you are the high court. As such you have to hear all complaints from all grand people against all other grand people. There is only one designation. Class A felony. There is no pardon, no parole, and no appeal. The accuser wants justice and they want to watch, which is high entertainment. After justice is administered you can expect counter charges.
Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink.
You must give children water, there are laws. When you give five grandchildren water it is no less than Moses parting the Red Sea. There are three options: Option A) Give one big drink for them to pass around. Are you a fool? Forget about germs, they’re already sharing them. No measured amount is ever fair. “SHARE, SHARE, SHARE,” you will scream until you choke, but possession is 100% of the law in the grand people civil code. Grab, drink, drink, drink as fast as you can, can’t touch me, I’m Aqua-Man! This has all the others spinning and crying. B) Separate drinks for all. Give them only clear water, or put them in a room that you intend to shampoo. C) Give up in disgust and throw the water into the back yard.
I go potty.
They potty ALL the time. When one goes they all immediately feel the urge, and the simple logic that only one person can only sit on a toilette at one time does not play into it. This invariably elicits screams from the bathroom. I hate the sound of the word, “Paaaaa Paaaaaa!” A bath used by grandchildren cannot have soaps, toilette paper, water, rugs, or towels in it. These things are provided as needed. Also try not to have small kittens around. They fit into a commode. I know!
I pooped myself.
In time you will learn to appreciate the smell, and texture of poop . It’s sort of like learning to eat Sushi. You know it’s actually stupid, but everyone does it. A two year old in potty training is like running a blender with the lid off, if you can picture the lid being on the bottom. Sometimes they will make it, but these times are not so numerous that reliable statistics can be drawn. And I have read all the methods used to potty train. Ignore these. These people are all liberal democrats raising transgender children. What will happen is one day you’ll just notice they use the toilette, and you will never know how you did it. Until that day you had just better accept that for the time being your life is poop.
Meals.
OMG! Never, NEVER seat grand people within striking distance of each other at meal time. And forget about equal portions. A Crack Dealer with a postal scale cannot measure meals with the accuracy required to satisfy these people. And don’t give them water! Do that later. My granddaughter, Puck, is a diabetic so she gets the “unfair” plate. She has developed a lizard’s tongue, and can snap a potato from a plate at two yards.
Nap time.
There is no hope. They only sleep when they knock each other out. YOU will fall asleep before they do. May God have mercy on you if this happens. My twins can remove a full sized door and pull down a ceiling fan if given just a little uninterrupted time. When you wake you will not believe. The solution? Handcuffs.
Eventually the parents will show up. They have to. That’s the law. They may ask you if you’re doing anything that night. LIE! Tell them you’re going out, you’re getting married, attending a Klan rally, ANYTHING! Then they have to take the grand people with them, and you can then tell everyone how wonderful it is to have grandchildren.
Simple Ol' Boy From Austin
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