Writing In Today's World

     Writing and putting a book out is an MF'r! Oh, I'm sorry, good Sunday morning everyone. Anyway, tying up all the lose ends and getting a book out to the public can be an exhausting experience. When you start one of these things you really don't intend to finish it, or at least I don't. Mine usually start as a few lines, maybe a page or two, never anything like a PLAN or anything like that, oh no! When I write a novel I usually write the end first. I write jokes like that, too. Come up with some funny line, and then have to fill in story to support the humor. 

     I think along about page sixty or so it begins to dawn on me that this thing is a bit more than a grocery list. At that  point some sort of direction begins to form, but nothing that's going to intimidate Hemingway, or anything like that, just several pages that seem to be on the same track, but don't quote me on that. Then two things happen. First you become inspired, and that's dangerous. When you become inspired you stop combing your hair. The next is what goes into this particular work becomes restricted. If you're crazy enough you think you might actually have some kind of "message" for the people, you start being very careful about what you put in. Now this works up to a point because if you're not too schizophrenic what fits, and what doesn't fit becomes readily apparent soon enough. 

     In my latest assault on human intelligence there was this one chapter. Since it was a book of political satire, I had to include this one particular subject, which was about as funny as a birthday party at Auschwitz, so I scanned the Internet and found several news stories to substantiate my views and put them all in. Several things wrong with this. First of all it's just plain ol' down home plagiarism. Next it's the lazy man's way out. When I see an article with a lot of quotes, figures, and bits and pieces from other sources I simply won't read it. Anyway, this chapter didn't fit in any way with the spirit of the book, and it took Amazon, oh, about three hours to pack it in my ear. I ended up replacing it with another article that I had written, which was clever, serious, and had a twist at the end, which was still not funny, makes the reader think, and consider. 

     You ramble on for a period of time and then one day it looks like this thing may be a book, and could be drawing to a logical end. To show you how stupid I really am, it's along about this point that I begin to save copies on flash sticks. Up until that point I'm writing on just about anything. I have written a book on a iPhone! It is also long aboutnthis time you begin to think about editing. Now, I'm fixing (how do you like that Texas slang? "Fixing!) anyway, I'm fixing to step off into uncharted territory here that's going to alienate, oh, about ninety-nine percent of the published world, but I don't believe in editors. I had one once. 

     Back in the day, when literacy was the standard, prose, punctuation, syntax, and other things were important. Well, Facebook and texting did away with all that crap. This is good and bad. The bad is that very ignorant people can now have their moment in the sun to a very large portion of the population, who are just as stupid as they are. Stupid people have influence. If you don't believe that, just look at the White House, but I digress.  The good part is that language, English in particular, has been reduced to a level that most people can comprehend. When you're writing for the boys and girls down at Harvard that's one thing, but when you're targeting Texas A&M, and you're a two-bit blogger, such as myself, you have to communicate in the local vernacular. "Cast your eyes in yon direction" will translate to, "Lookee yonder!" Now, I'm not slandering the Aggies, but . . . Oh, forget that, yes I am, but let's continue. 

     If you have any native intelligence at all you will pick up on some of the more basic rules of writing. Past tense, future tense, and all that stuff becomes apparent. You won't really be able to articulate why it works, you'll just feel it. You will know when you make mistakes. Sort of like when you meet some girl in a bar, talk with her for fifteen minutes, she goes to the rest room and never comes back. Like that! I throw out bits and pieces here and there, and friends who DID finish high school will point out goofy stuff to me. That's editing! With this last book I sent copies to a friend of mine down at a radio station in Houston. As it turned out, he liked the articles and the owner of the station was kind enough to run a substantial amount of them on their web page, AND even read them on the air, which is always good. I intended him to read over the finished book and get back with me, but after Amazon had animal sex with me, I realized my friend had already READ most of the book anyway! The most important ingredient was already there, COMMUNICATION! Who is a better editor? A radio talk show host with thousands of listeners, or some old bat in  a New York flat catering to a bunch of people who'll never buy your book ANYWAY? Do the math. (And it's real simple math, folks,) 

     Spelling is sort of important, but it's not a deal killer. I try never to use a word that's smarter than I am. I level out around three syllables. On occasion I'll chunk in a four, but that's rare for me. When Texans see too many four syllable words they will tag you as a Yankee, and that IS a deal killer. I try not to cuss too much. Sometimes it fits. I don't cater to thin skinned liberals, but I do want to get at least SOME of my ideas across the Red River,  and there IS a contingent out there who still don't know what an S.O.B. is so I have to weigh my options. I write about politics and there ARE some S.O.B.'s out,there, trust me. I use spell check, but I don't pray to it, especially when I manufacture a word here and there. And auto correct? Oh my God! Remember when I told you about the people who had been schooled on Facebook vernacular? Well, auto correct is for them. I put auto correct in the same basket with that animated paper clip in Word that dances around and tries to tell you about sentence structure. As soon as I realized I was listening to a paper clip I turned that little prick OFF! I don't CARE if it's an incomplete sentence. Miss Hornbuckle back at Killeen High School is not grading this paper, ok? 

     After it's all over and you push the button depression sets in. Oh yeah. You must understand that all writers are crazy, myself included, and fifty percent are crazier than THAT! After all is said and done, and the book is finally out you will experience a void, but that void is nothing compared to what you feel when you re-read your PUBLISHED work. At this point you seriously consider using a Pen Name. The duration of this depression depends on your basic mental health and medication. A bottle of Jim Beam usually does the trick for me. I try not to get depressed on Sunday because I live in Texas, and Texans never seem to plan ahead on Saturday night.

     Don't watch sales. Therein lies madness! If you get a check, dance in the street. If you don't get a check, don't tell anybody. Remember, most people have never written a book, and those who do will never make a dime. It's not about that. It's about communicating. If you are not communicating, and make a million bucks, you have failed! If you get a check for six dollars and thousands of people are sharing your blog, then you have touched the essence of what writing is really all about!

Them That's Gots Gets

     I had a very interesting time last night. Got to participate in a discussion on Higher Truth Radio with Mikee Bee. The format was New World Order, metaphysics, and religion. Let's not make this easy, folks! NOBODY on that show had a Texas accent, which was . . . special. The first guest, and I don't remember her name so forgive me, but she was an Indian. Not one of them Boogily Boogily Indians, a woo woo one, but anyway, she was one of them. She was all into this New World order thing. I didn't get to talk to her, but I formulated some opinions. First off, I'd like to say that rich people tend to want to get richerI know that comes as a shock to some of you, but it works like this: Federal Reserve money is just about worthless, and if you're living week to week, trying to keep the lights on that doesn't mean a whole lot, but if you're Bill Gates you wake up every morning losing millions simply because you didn't spend it yesterday, and that tends to bear on rich folks minds a bit. 

     Another thing about rich folks is they tend to think they just might have something on the ball, and the very fact that they're rich shows they had SOMETHING on the ball. Now let's take Gates for instance. The boy's a pretty good computer programmer, and he had a business model that was hands down perfect! His product cost him virtually nothing to produce, and he generated a need that had people knocking down his door. This is opposed to Steve Jobs, who soldered circuit boards in a garage, and had to actually MAKE something to put on the shelf. The one time he subcontracted Microsoft to write some code, well, we all know how that went. 

     Bill made billions putting applications on little floppy disks, which cost him about a nickel apiece, and when Internet downloads became the fashion he even did away with that expense. The money poured in so fast he got cramps just counting it. If he'd left it at that ol' Bill would have still done pretty good, but here's the other problem with rich folks. If they're good at one thing they think they're good at everything. So he formed a foundation and started trying to save the world. Now bear in mind he didn't give ALL his money away, I mean he IS a Nortè. He started inoculating every arm in the subcontinent he could find. This doesn't sound all that bad, but enter the New World Order. Before I go on I want to make a statement here that's going to get me a guaranteed bitch slap. There ain't no New World Order! Rich people are always going to conspire to make more money. The "New" World Order is just the "Old" World Order on steroids. 

     Back in the day you'd get a guy like Hitler. The big dog on the block was government. If you were going to conquer the world you had to have a government, kill a few folks, and take land. Now, as we all know this never works out. Didn't work out for the Romans, didn't work out for Attila, and didn't work out for Adolph either. When you roll over someone's territory you will eventually get your butt kicked. Now we have a new wrinkle. With the Internet, international commerce, and huge corporations an entity can effectively take over a substantial part of the world without anyone really noticing. Think I'm wrong? What are you reading this on? Bill or Steve most likely gave you the computer you are using. Swat them bees, swat them bees. As a matter of fact I read a Forbes report yesterday making mention of the most powerful men in the world. They got a laugh out of Putin edging out Obama, but I looked down the list, and there at number seven was Bill Gates. J. P. Morgan was a pretty salty old dog, but he was NEVER listed as one of the most powerful men in the world! 

     This is your New World Order. I like to call it the New World RE-Order. Even the Chinese fall in line. They'll walk proud and talk loud until Bill switches off their XP for two days and then they come to their rice real quick. Think he can't do that? Already DONE it my friends. He threw the switch on them four years ago and the leader of China came to the US to see BILL, not Obama. 

     A man who wields wealth and power like that is only going to get richer and more powerful. Like Johnny Paycheck told me years ago, "Them that's gots, GETS!" Gates doesn't have to take land, he's taken your LIFE! Bottom line, while Pocahontas was on Higher Truth Radio looking for Lizard Men under every bed, Bill Gates was eating a cheeseburger, sipping a Guinness, and counting his money. Now y'all bear in mind that I'm just a simple old boy from Austin with a high school education so if my analysis seems too simple forgive me. 

     Then came the next two guests. A man and a woman. Started out as a discussion about linguistics in the Bible. They spent a long time dissecting the origin of the letter "J." Guess who's name begins with the letter "J?" You guessed it, that little old wine maker Christ! Now, I don't want to get into all the hub bud, but what it boiled down to was they had this theory that when you pray, if you didn't hold your mouth just right God wouldn't hear you. Silly me, I always thought God was multiple-lingual. From there we progressed to trying to figure our if Jesus a good man or just a good idea, and, of course we had to beat up that nasty old Catholic Church and Constantine along the way. 

     The next part is touchy. Being a white boy, I am not licensed to really discuss this so take everything I'm about to say with a grain of salt. Better make that a salt lick. I'll just get right to it. They had this idea that all civilization came out of Africa. Layer upon layer of "evidence" being laid down until they had the Roman Empire singing Rap! Side note, I'm down just about four martinis by then and the creative juices are kicking in. Mikee finally let me in and I asked two questions. I inquired that if their suppositions were true, and the African nations had transversed the Atlantic, and schooled the Myans, Egyptians, and Greeks, then how come I don't see any great pyramids in the Congo? I think the answer was that they are there, we just can't see them. Next, I asked that when Alex Haley went to Africa to find his Roots, and had to, listen to,that old man recite for hours about tribal history, where were the books? I think they said the books all got burned. Fifth martini. 

     All jokes aside, all these people are much smarter than I, and I was a bit intimidated being on the radio even talking with them. And people have a right to be proud of their heritage, but when you say Africa ruled the world I can show you a couple billion Chinese who would say, "Ah sooooooo!" I think I am invited to talk with these folks again, at which time I expect they will tear my country butt up. But it was exhilarating and I did get to walk among giants, if only for a little while. 

      

It's Called Decency

     You're never gonna believe this, but I got into an argument with a bunch of liberals on a Facebook thread. It was instigated by some national liberal celebrity asking their take on last night's results, and even I was amazed.  To a man and woman the comments were that it was the end of the world! From we've "destroyed" the best president we ever had to they hope then"so-called" patriots are happy, it was a non-stop tirade against the voice of America heard last night! I entered a couple comments and then decided to answer them here. 

     How long did you think this dog and pony show would last? Obama has lied on every front. Do you still have your doctor? Isn't there a little twinge of suspicion when you make a phone call and wonder who's listening? Do you really feel safe voicing an opinion the government doesn't agree with? Have you looked at our border? Can you count to a billion? That's how many hollow point bullets Homeland Security purchased while they try to take your guns away. Who are they planning to shoot at? Ebola comes flying into Texas, and we're told to accept it. Point of interest, there IS no Ebola in Texas now! And ISIS? That was the usual 9/11 celebration of paranoia. ISIS will not invade Texas. They will get killed! 

     You even made fun of democracy when the vote went against you. When the ballot boxes were stuffed with dead people's votes it didn't bother you at all. We have voter ID in Texas. You have to prove who you are before you can vote, and Eric Holder moved heaven and earth to stop that. And you don't see what's wrong with that? You want a society where you buy votes with free cell phones? You want an administration that passes the buck all night until four Americans are killed in one of our embassies. And you think it's the end of the world because people finally stood up and said, " Hell NO!"

     Votes do make a difference. Politicians are responsive to the people when they see that they may have to lose their position. They do stuff like they've done for the last six years because they either thought we approved or didn't care. Now they got bit, and they're all looking at their savior in the White House. He's on the golf course. 

     Let me ask you liberals something. Where's your hope and change now? How's that bank account working out? Been to the doctor lately?  And look why you voted for him. Because he's black! He didn't have any policies. He didn't have any plans, but he was black and that soothed your guilt for something you had no part of. He's not the son of slaves, he's the son of an African. He's the son of those who sold the slaves. Swat them bees, swat them bees, but you know it's true! Harvard law degree, and can't read the constitution. Couldn't get a Pa Pa John's pizza order through congress so he pens endless executive orders to make up for his lack of statesmanship. But, he's black. Dr. Ben Carson is black. Vote for him! 

     So, you're wringing your liberal hands because your house of cards has come tumbling down. Well, times ARE a-changing. There will be a serious conservative backlash, and as the politicians become aware of this they will cover their butts and the country will move forward. We can't bring the four in Libya back. You can't bring millions of dead babies back, a majority of them black. We can bring back the constitution. We can preserve the Bill of Rights. America just may save itself. Texas WILL save itself. So wring your hands, worry, but get ready for a great upheaval in your liberal lives. It's called DECENCY! Something you lost a long time ago!  

     

Still Crazy After All These Years

     With midterm elections over it's time to look to the future and address issues that have been cropping up here and there. First a little personal business, which I never do but you gotta air the laundry sometime. As a lot of you know we fought an epic battle with the CPS over my grand kids. I will NOT bore you with the details because they are boring. Suffice to say it destroyed our business, cost us a couple million, and in the end our family was scattered to the wind, BUT the babies are safe, and after several name changes they are growing up within the family. It cost us something else. Jackie went to ground exactly like she said she'd do, and I had to divorce my wife of thirty years to satisfy the CPS' ego. My now ex-wife gave her business, her homes and her health to save the babies. She has suffered three heart attacks due to this pressure, surviving the latest two days ago. The good news is things are looking good. The family came together in support from all over the world, all but our little Jackie, but we respect her absence, and strength. She really did stand at the gates of the Alamo, and from her ashes a Phoenix rose. Sometimes all a person has to offer is their blood, and the little Jew from Detroit gave all. 

     Now to elections. I supported Kathie Glass. I knew from the beginning that a win was not in the cards, but once you are in the presence of Jackie, standing beside Kathie is easy! Now that it's over I can speak freely. Kathie had some good ideas. I spoke with her one on one. Her problem was the Libertarian party. How can I put this? Let me see. Ok, the Libertarian party is as crazy as a fart in a hurricane. That about sums it up. The Gay Alliance shattered any semblance of unity like glass. There was a movement at the convention to vote NOTA, none of the above. I said it then, and I say it now, why drive all,that way, spend all,those hours, and all that money, to walk out of the convention with no candidate? And I listened to all these seasoned Libertarians telling me all about this NOTA crap, but, as always, I'm just a simple ol' boy from Austin and that don't make no SENSE! 

     There were improprieties at the convention. Candidates not eligible, candidates with warrants, and candidates laying in fields of blue bonnets with their butts sticking up in the air. (And they call ME Weird Wilbur!) There was no unity or purpose. Kathie took the nomination, but what did she get? She got NO support from the party as individual members pursued their various windmills. Well, it's over, we lost, and we're "Still crazy after all these years!" (You can swat them bees now.)

     I did not agree with Kathie not supporting Doc Greene after his remarks on the gay lifestyle. I would have stood with him. He hated the sin while loving the sinner. I heard the broadcast. I read the transcript. That lifestyle is dangerous. It IS irregular. I'm not sucking up, but I don't pick friends based on their sexuality. And I'm not a liberal. I just don't have time for it. Doc stood by Kathie even after he stepped down from his position with the party. I respect that. I didn't voice my opinion because we we fighting for a win, or at least a  "show" in the horse race of politics. Well, we got that "show." We showed our butts! I stayed in for the long haul, but I am no longer a Libertarian. 

     Now for a final feature. I missed the Doc Greene show yesterday, but I was on Mikee Bee's show last night and from what I gathered there was a point of contention in the Raging Elephants chat room yesterday. I understand all positions. Mikee perceived statements as being told how to think. Doc's position was a vote, so matter how hopeless, is still a vote. As I said on the show last night I hope all parties can meet on middle ground and work it all out. 

     One thing you must remember is the Apostle Claver runs this deal. It was his idea, his inspiration and his plan to change the demographics of the Republican Party to include more black people who have been mislead and double crossed by the Democrats. That's the core of Raging Elephants. There are dozens of side issues, but that's the purpose of the broadcasts.  If the public likes the content the station will succeed. If not, change the format. It's as simple as that. 

     So, finally, we are stuck with Abbott. (This is my surprised face.) Political realities. You need a unified party to win, and Texas women will not support baby killing whores no matter how "in" they come across. We still have a border problem. People are still in prison for smoking a joint, and the DPS is still ignoring the Texas constitution, marching to the beat of its own drummer. We have work to do! Usually I try to inject a little humor. Sorry I'm not very funny today, but did you hear the one about the two Rabbis walking into a bar with a alligator on a leash?

Ten Things That Will Make You Happy

                              Ten Things That Will Make You Happy

                                                          by Wilbur Witt

10.          Don't let anyone tell you to be unhappy. You can get up in the morning, take a shower, brush your teeth, pour a cup of coffee, and go out to your porch to greet a glorious sunrise and invariably some jackass (or jackass-ette) will show up and rain on your parade. Give them a free cup of coffee (in a styrofoam cup) and send them back out into the world that they created. All they're doing is polluting your mind with negative thoughts. They can't solve their own issues so they try to dilute their misery by spreading it around. Usually this involves their love life. They are clinging to some terrible situation and while asking advice that they really don't want because they have not summoned the strength to leave said situation and they are seeking justification, and when they don't get it they become Oprah and advise you on how to run (ruin) your life. They should purchase a book on masturbation and practice it frequently so as not to involve anyone else in their topsy-turvy life!

9.             Don't let anyone equate money with your success. All writers experience this. A writer reaches into their heart and draw out explanations for their life. No writer begins to write with the idea that someday they will become rich, indeed, most will not. Most writers will only be read by their friends and family, but that's ok. That doesn't make the writing any less important. Commercialism is the bane of inspiration. If you become a "professional" you concede to commercialism and you lose something. That's why the honey you purchase from a roadside vendor tastes better that that which you get from a supermarket. When someone says, "How much MONEY have you made with your writing?" just smile knowingly and reply, "More than you!"

8.           Never take a politician serious. All politicians are liars. That's why they're politicians. If they were in the truth business they'd be barbers, or bartenders. They are versed on negotiation, with is actually the art of trying to sell a gallon of gasoline and when you can't turn a profit you dilute it with moonshine, which by the way is actually being done. Look at their voting record, and it doesn't make any difference if they're Democrat, Republican, or an out and out communist, they all belly up to the same hog  trough! Best you're gonna get out of a politician is that they don't steal too much during their tenure on the public dole. 

7.             Never blindly accept anything a lawyer tells you. Ever wonder why a lot of politicians are lawyers? (See the above.) The entire BAR Is a sham. The very idea that someone has to be licensed to advise someone on the law is a money scam. How can we license Lawyers and not prostitutes? They make legal matters so complicated that it takes a lawyer to simply understand, or further complicate the issue so as to confuse the process enough to get a fee for doing it. This is why O. J. Simpson was was found guilty of violating his deceased ex-wife's rights when he "didn't" kill her! This is where terms like "felony murder" come about. As opposed to what? FRIENDLY murder? How many lawyers does it take to screw a light bulb? Three. One to screw the light bulb and two to file a brief. When a lawyer tells you something know from the start that the advice is a lie. Then decide how the lie will best serve you. If it fits then you're ahead because the judge is a liar, too.   

6.             Never remarry an ex. A divorce is the only proceeding where two people agree that they can't even get along in bed! When you go through all the paperwork, and yes, lawyers that it takes to untie the knot for God's sake don't tie it back! A friend of mine remarried the same girl four times. Ended up owned fifteen percent of himself. Oh, you can be friends, just don't let them lock you in any more. In fact, it seems that if the door is always open, and the path is free to go the relationship may even improve. When the relationship is between two independent people it makes one more attentive. And, if you wake up one morning and they're gone they're just freaking GONE! Cook two eggs that morning. 

5.             Don't worry about your health. I hear it already. How can you not take care of your health?  I didn't say not to take care of it I said don't worry about it. If you see your doctor and get a pill to control something just take the pill and go on about your business. Live each day as if it were your last and one day you'll be right. Had a relative who died at ninety-seven years old and his two older sisters were at the funeral telling everyone drinking and smoking finally killed him. We were never designed to last forever and it's better to be happy than spend the last ten years of your life studying the color of your stool. The day will come for most of us that the doctor says there's nothing more they can do. But before that day comes there is a lot you can do, and a lot of people you can do it to. 

4.             Keep a few good friends. We're all just passing through. Two thousand years from now some nerd will be picking at your teeth trying to figure out if you were capable of speech so remember that. You need to have a couple of people you can bounce ideas off of. Not burden them (see point number one) but just relate to. And they don't have to agree with you. That's not important. I have a friend, Ted, and he and I don't agree on a single idea but I get more ideas for articles from him than anyone else. Figure that out. Friends are people you enjoy being around, not people who agree with everything you say. Always remember, you need to keep at least two friends because that's how many handles there are on a garbage can. 

3.             Dodge relatives who have moved away from you. Wow! Think about that. I'm not talking about someone who is employed in a position that requires the absence from origins, I'm talking about people who conspired to stay away and actually work on becoming remote and different. Eventually these people will hurt your feelings. Count on it. You can love them, just know there's a REASON the live where they live. This especially applies to anyone who moves to California. If you will note there are fifty states and California is the only state that takes a hit from practically all the others. Practically everything weird had its origins in California. Now I like California, but I like fat girls too, so do the math. Your revenge on these people is that if they ever come home they won't fit in. 

2.          Sleep when you're sleepy. Time is man's invention. When you have to be at work that's one thing, but when you don't, and you feel sleepy just sleep. Sometimes it'll only be ten minutes but you'll be amazed. Take a Saturday and drink a glass of wine long about two in the afternoon and don't fight it! Wonderful! Especially if you have someone to sleep WITH! Better yet, take the bottle of wine and two glasses to the bedroom. You may not get up for the rest of the day. The world will turn perfectly fine without you!

1.            Learn a new joke every day. Every day make it a point to seek out something funny. It can be a joke, a video, even a picture and share it. To expand this idea, pick at least one day of the week when you don't read the news. You'll be absolutely overwhelmed. Nothing will change. Learn two jokes that day. The more you laugh and smile the harder it is for the world to tear you down. 

METHods Of War

     I was disturbed last night. Two major Texas problems kept rambling around in my head, and I just could not shake them. As it always happens, when I got up and made coffee, lit a very politically incorrect cigarette, and let the juices flow, the truth became manifest, and I realized that while the two issues seemed to be distinct they were actually intertwined. Here is what I discovered . . . Now work with me here. 

     We got a huge immigration problem. What makes it huge is the involvement of the Cartels. You see, as long as it was just Pablo slipping over the border to pick a few oranges everything was cool. It wasn't until the drug lords got involved with their agenda did we see the influx that we have today. What with running kids across as a diversion, and pumping dope all up and down the I-35 corridor on the way to that other country just north of us, it has really became a problem of Texas proportions! 

     In addition to that we have a developing issue in the Middle East. Heck, that's nothing new, but King George II is gone and we've got this guy from Kenya or somewheres up there in the White House. George just jumped on 'em, while Uncle Rhemus has a slightly different approach. He subscribes to the Bruce Lee line of reasoning. The art of fighting without fighting.  He's using Ebola to get troops over there, then, before we know it, BAM, we're right back in a war with Mohammed and the boys! 

     I have figured a solution to all this guaranteed to get me the Nobel Peace Prize. No, really! Save your fork, this is gonna get good! Now you have to admit that catching a Cartel member has its challenges, but heck, there are so many it's kinda like finding a sweet fishing hole. Once you catch a big one there just seems to be no end. Texas' only problem has been when we finally goad Eric the Wiener Holder into arresting one of his buddies he just gives 'em a new gun, health care, and sends them right back to Nuevo Laredo for the next batch. This is frustrating. He doesn't seem to want to put them in jail. 

     Now, contrast this with the ISIS thing. Them boys have erased all the borders with one swipe of the Qu'ran and struck fear in the hearts of all good Muslims . . . BOTH of them! So here's my solution. Now, we catch a meth dealer. Instead of even trying to put him in jail, cause we know that won't work, we cut a deal. The Republic of Texas will send him to the Middle East with all the supplies he needs to set up shop, and we'll even bankroll him to start the business. How Republican is THAT? Before we do this, however, we need to get about fifteen boys from San Antonio to prepare the ground. Now, I know these boys personally, and I can assure you if they can do business in San Antonio they'll have no problem at all with a bunch of religious fanatics what don't like women. We keep grabbing these Cartel fellers and shipping them over there, oh, and we really don't have to tell Obama about this. What we do is right smack dab in the middle of the flu season we sent a bus load of school kids with runny noses to Washington on a sight seeing tour, and that'll keep them Washington folks jumping for a while. See how that works. I'll tell you how the Ebola thing figures in in a few. 

     When you have any new market you have to "salt" the ground. Give a little product away, or make it so cheap that just about everybody can afford it. So we've got Fernando cooking up Meth like he's running a KFC, and we got all these sun baked religious nuts a running around with just too much time on their hands. So, you introduce them to the pipe! Now they already smoke these water contraptions so it's pretty easy to replace them lemons and oranges they like with something a little more "interesting." And good stuff too. "Wierd Wilbur's Texas Best!" Pure and uncut, from our kitchen to YOU! 

     Once we get established it should be no problem sending a few more of them Cartel buddies of ours over there. ISIS ignores borders and Pablo and the boys don't have NO issues with borders either. They've already proved that. And I know, I know, I can hear it now, "But Wilbur. Them boys over there is religious. They'd never get into Meth!" Look, if you got some fool who'll put a stick of dynamite up his butt, light it, and stroll into a mall it won't take much convincing to get him a sucking on a pipe, ok? 

     We let the Cartels know that these Muslim fellers have all that oil money and that'll grab their interest, and as soon as we get enough of them guys over there in that desert introduced to the product we just start a raising the price. I figure in a reasonable period of time they won't be worried about Allah so much cause they'll be worried about that pipe! And look at the law of supply and demand. Why would the Cartel go through all that trouble to sell Meth for five dollars to some HomeBoy when they can sell it for five HUNDRED dollars to a Shiek? Pretty soon we won't have an Islamic State, we'll have a Cartel Combomilation! Now, lets go to the next level. In the interest of population control, we swing by the Ivory Coast, pick up a couple of them guys who REALLY have runny noses, give  them a needle kit and set them to educating Ahmed and the gang on a new way to enjoy their new pastime.  And them camel riding fellers may not conquer the world, but after a year or so on that pipe I'll assure you they WILL  see God!

     I should run for president, no, I really should!

We'll Take Our Star, You Can Keep The Change

     I've said many times that Texas isn't southern, it isn't western, Texas is TEXAS! Being a Texan is not a fad, it's a FACT! The Texan culture has been molded my a very unique set of circumstances that occurred nowhere else in the world. With Anglo influences, Spanish, Chinese, and God knows how many others, the Texas blend is the Mulligan stew of society. People who came to Texas quickly realized that it was an entirely new deal. While New York and Boston could separate into different groups and form ethnic clans, Texans just didn't have that luxury. Life down here was just too hard! 

     The Alamo reflected this diversity very well. While John Wayne made a good Davy Crockett, where were the Chinese in that film? They were there, too, you know? And all but one Mexican,    Juan Seguin, was portrayed as being in Santa Anna's army. Americans like to say their county is a "melting pot" of different cultures, well Texas is a chili! 

     Texans get along because we HAVE to get along. Our only choice is do that or to be like the Nortés and God knows we don't need that! Example, OTHER states have an opinion about our approach to gay rights. Texans don't have a problem at all. We only have a problem with outsiders trying to tell us what our opinions should be, and how we are SUPPOSED to feel, react, or legislate. Americans try to view Texas through prejudicial glasses that long ago became fogged. I was down at the Domaine in Austin yesterday, and saw two lesbians crossing the street, on the way to a pub. My only thought was one of them was VERY cute. That's TEXAN! I can out court any lesbian! 

     And this black thing. What it that? The Yankees can't run Detroit. We run Austin just fine, and brothers and sisters, there are black people in Austin. I've SEEN them!  The border? Ok, New York look what you've got for borders. More YANKEES! That and some Canadians. Oh, don't get me started. We have four states, a country and an ocean to watch. You got Canadians? We've got Mexicans. WILD Mexicans. We have Cartels. We NEED Cartels to keep all you hop heads in supply! You sent us Ebola, well guess what? We ain't got no more Ebola! You have DOCTORS spreading it all over Central Park, and a deranged nurse riding her bike all over town like, she's got good sense. To quote an old Indian proverb, "White man CRAZY!" 

     And guns! Ever notice how guns are everywhere? New York has gun control. So does California. California gave us Charles Dorner, and New York, the greatest Mafia the world has ever seen. We We just say if guns are everywhere just let everyone have one. Your Homeland security buys over a billion bullets and you say we're ou of step because we include the option of shooting BACK! You give up all your rights, buy oil from your enemies, and allow private banks to print hot checks, call it money and you say WE'RE crazy? You can't control ISIS. We CAUGHT ours! If ISIS went to messing around with the Cartel's trade you would see THEIR heads cut off and mounted on overpasses on the border. Hey, even a stopped watch is right twice a day. 

     Texas is TEXAS, Nortés are Nortés, and never the two shall meet. Why do we want to secede? We want to secede because we've BEEN gone. We'd just like to finalize the divorce and move on. The spirit of Texas will not allow Yankee think to infiltrate and corrupt as it has every where else in the world. Don't think this is real. Ask yourself, why does the Texas flag fly on a different pole? Other state flags fly below the Stars and Stripes. The Lone Star look it in the eye! And that's LONE star! We'll take our star back. You can keep the change!