Tuesday, January 12, 2016

God Bless Americans

God bless Americans. With all the talk about seceding, I’d like to give my understanding, and prediction to what will most likely happen to the American union in the next fifty years. This is natural evolution. One mistake that governments make is drawing lines. It happened in the Middle East. The powers that were drew straight lines and said, “This is Iraq, this is Syria, Egypt,” and so forth and so on without any consideration of tribal loyalties, family, religious differences, or politics of the inhabitants therein. Just turn on CNN if you want to see how well this worked. When the thirteen colonies sued for independence from England, their borders had been defined by the common interests of the settlers who had been there since the pilgrims set foot on Plymouth Rock. As manifest destiny “manifested” itself, the states that came about west of the Mississippi were more “straight line,” than natural. Texas and Utah are prime examples. Brigham Young had a vastly different vision of “Deseret” its boundaries included Utah, Nevada, and parts of New Mexico, Arizona, Oregon, California, Idaho, Wyoming and Colorado. Young had it set up with the capitol being in Salt Lake City, of course he would be the governor, and the form of government would be a Theodemocracy. The US “defined” that to conform to what they considered to be a more feasible layout. 
Texas had the same problem. The original Republic of Texas was not the manicured track of land we see today.  While not being as adventurous as the Mormon plan, it was still considerably larger than the Lone Star State we find today. Imagine a saber tooth tiger reduced to Tony the tiger, and the US Government thought that was greeeeeaaaaat! The original boundaries were arrived at by people with a common interest. In spite of the reformed lines defining Utah, Mormon influence is most certainly evident in the population inhabiting the region today. It does not stop at the borders imposed by congress! Cattle and oil are very disrespectful of the modern borders of Texas. Manual adjustments will never coincide with natural lay of the land.
As we all know, the American government has been overreaching for years, and part of this is because of the artificial definitions of who’s who, and what’s what. Most of the time Federal mandates, and decisions are mandatory, and arbitrary. States make laws, but why? All Uncle Sam has to do is make His law, and the state legislature becomes a complete waste of time. K. C. Massey can carry a gun under Texas law, Sammy says, “No,” K. C. goes to jail. Someone can fire up a joint in Malibu, DEA doesn’t like it, guy gets arrested and has a criminal record. Fundamentalist Mormon wants to marry twin sisters and the Fed can’t seem to find the ink to put one more square on a tax form. See where this is going, folks?
The Ottoman Empire had a pretty good run. Then, one day, someone in Turkey issued an edict, and people in a land far, far away said, “We ain’t gonna do that,” and the Empire didn’t really have the muscle to enforce the act. Slowly, but surely more and more people around the Empire began to stand up, and before long, there was still an Ottoman Empire, but it was kind of like being a Mason. All hat and no cattle. This will be the destiny of what you know as the United States.
The Fed has a choice; let nature take its course, or declare war on its entire people. The Beltway against everybody else. This won’t be North vs South, black against white, Baptists against Methodists, this will be “us” against “them,” them being the elite that have set up royalty to rule over us. Uh, they’re going to lose. In every civilization the people will only take so much before they rise up and call a halt to the whole thing. (Did someone say, “Tea Party?”) The end will come. The only variable is what forms after this event. The United States will dissolve into “regions,” of people with a common history, and common interests. Texas will produce cattle and oil, the Midwest will grow wheat, and California, well, we all know what California will be growing. These regions will have free trade, and common language, and most likely a common currency. Unfortunately there will not be any room for something like the Federal Reserve because the economy will most likely be based on things like gold, silver and oil. The Federal Reserve is based on toilette paper.
Now, of course, the former United States, i.e. being just Washington D. C. by then, will kick, and scream, and sling snot, but they will be just like the Ottoman Empire. This is not to say these regions will not come together during times of need to face a common problem. Someone knocks a couple of buildings down in New York, the regions form an Army, go over there, blow up their country, and then come home. Let them put their country back together and don’t knock down any of our buildings again.
There won’t be any more telling Texas how much oil it can produce, or sending Kansas wheat to Syria, or worrying about what Russia is up to. This will be a true American Union with the interests of each region being centered on that particular region. The interests of people in El Paso will be closer to those of people in Santa Fe, than those of people in New York, but the New Yorkers will still eat steak! If you want to smoke a joint, and marry your same sex friend just don’t go to Deseret, go to California and live the dream. Don’t be a Muslim advocating Sharia Law. These regions will be very steadfast in what they subscribe to, and unfortunately foreign governments (and that’s what Sharia Law is, folks) imposing their will upon an unwilling people will not be tolerated.
Can’t happen, you say? All you liberals out there cite the power of the Government? The power of the government is the people. Five hundred and thirty five arrogant fools cannot dictate to three hundred million citizens. Liberals crack me up. They depend upon a huge government to impose their ideas on the masses. True freedom comes from the people, and when those people get a taste of real freedom it’s gonna get bad. I’m not saying this birth of a nation will be without pain. I’m saying that hopefully, conservative common sense will prevail, and conservative minded people will see that there is more benefit in forming a new understanding that tearing up the entire nation trying to preserve a system that is nowherenear what the founding fathers had in mind in the first place. The world will be watching as cars come rolling out of Detroit, rib eyes out of Texas, and avocados out of California. The quality of American goods will go back up because this will make America Great Again! God bless America? No! God bless Americans!  
 

Monday, January 11, 2016

Estúpido!

 
Estúpido! Ok, that’s our word of the day. When Joaquín (El Chapo) Guzmán broke out of a Mexican federal prisión I laughed my testículos off! This guy had the resources to construct a subway under Altiplano Prison, complete with a tram, waved adiós to the cameras in his cell, and rode to freedom. Folks, you can’t make this stuff up. All that activity, not to mention dirt removal, and nobody noticed? This cat should be president of Mexico! Not to mention he’s one of the riches men in the world, undoubtedly the richest in Mexico, sells more drugs than Johnson and Johnson, causes traffic jams at the border, threatens ISIS, Trump, and mom’s Apple pie, Tweets daily, and most likely has a Facebook page. Pancho Villa must be spinning in his grave. Oh, the tunnel had ventilation. . . AIR CONDITIONING! It extended more than a mile. We need this man to renovate the rail system in Austin.
So how did he get caught? Save your fork, it gets better. Joaquín had a dream. He wanted his life story to be told. I mean, with holding up at least three quarters of the Mexican economy, I think he should, don’t you. He had this idea of a huge epic about his life, and Sean Penn chimed in to make it happen with the happy support of Rolling Stone Magazine. El Chapo, Sean Penn, and Rolling Stone. Now, folks, if that’s not the three stooges, I’m not a white boy from Austin! That’s the meat, not let’s mix in some cumin and chili powder. It seems Chapo wanted a certain Mexican starlet to play in his flick. Soooo, he sets out to arrange a meeting, oblivious to the Mexican authorities who were all over him.
His location was not a secret, people, don’t fool yourself. Go back to paragraph one. I grew up in Texas. I’ve TAKEN the obligatory trip to “Boy’s Town” in Nuevo Laredo, and apparently, so did Joaquín. Star struck, he was caught sleeping in bed with his drop dead gorgeous wife, when the Mexican Marines crashed the set. Now, surely the biggest dope dealer on the planet wouldn’t get caught chasing movie stars, right?
So El Chapo is right back in the same jail he strolled out of. Of course Interpol has served him with “formal” extradition, opposed to the more kínder, friendly type, I suppose, announced by the Mexican Attorney General. They have one of those? The Mexican authorities say it’s unclear how he escaped, but they “suspect” prison guards may have been involved. You think? This guy is estimated to make three billion dollars a year, and he’s in a town dealing in Pesos. Do the math! They don’t know how he got out. I submit it may have had something to do with that mile long super transit installed under the prison.
It seems too simplistic to think that someone who makes that kind of money could make such a stupid blunder, but I have seen pictures of Hitler staring across the English Channel at the White Cliffs of Dover, so I don’t know. Now, as my Puerto Rican friend, Jay, would say, I ain’t even gonna lie to you, I admire this guy. If I was the President of Mexico I’d give El Chapo a full pardon and put him in charge of the Mexican economy.   Let’s see, he gives people products that they don’t need, makes tons of money, has outlets all over the world, millions of customers, pays his employees in pesos, has a virtul monopoly. I give you El Walmarto!
 
Simple Ol' Boy From Austin

Thursday, January 7, 2016

The Not So Ok Corral

The not so Ok Corral is what we have in Oregon. My views on this will astound you. First, some geographic study. First off, it’s the West Coast. If you grabbed the United States by Maine, and tilted it, all the fruits and nuts would roll to the West Coast. Oregon, California, has legal gay marriage, and all the pot you want to smoke. My own son lives in Cali, and he’s now crazy too. We pray for him often.
So we have one Ammon Bundy. I’m not going to even mention the other guy, because he’s an also-ran riding on the Bundy coat tails. When Cliven Bundy circled his wagons it was almost plausible. Actually, it was quite funny watching the Federal Gumshoes run with their tails between their legs, and having to return all the cattle they’d stole, but I digress. The history of the Bundy Ranch, public sentiment, and general hate of the Feds made quite an event.
Let me tell you what happens when you hit the national media. You get addicted. There’s gold in them thar hills, and I don’t care how you slice it, between personal appearances, books, articles, TV, and just plain letting your face hang out, you will put up some coin if you get in with the right bunch of fellows. Cliven made a hit, Ammon wanted to ride the freeway, but are we sure Hank done it this way?
Now let’s look at logistics. How do you change things? You go to Congress, beat the bushes, bang your head on the wall, and by and by, you mount the Capitol steps and wave your gun at the DPS while they smile like they got good sense. You don’t seize a rest stop in some spot in the woods that tree huggers go to and smoke dope! Oh, and make love to their boyfriend, thought I’d just throw that in there.
I saw the lawyer lady going on and on about “Territories” with a “T” and independent states, sovereignty and all that. Listen lady, there’s only one sovereign, independent block of land in the continental United States and that’s TEXAS! All the other states are just a bunch of welfare babies sucking of the Lone Star teat! Got that? Good, now let’s move on.
One thing I’m glad to see is the Feds showed restraint this time. Shucks, ain’t nobody out there but Yogi Bear. “Hope they have a pic-a-nic basket, Boo!” What they’re gonna do is wait for the basket to run out, and barring a mass suicide, when they run out of beer, they’ll come marching out into the arms of a fairly lucrative book deal. You don’t overthrow the government by taking over a rest stop. Wonder if I can get a deal helping them ghost write? Hey! I didn’t take the bathroom, I’m only gonna write about it. Oh, the picture on this article; Yeah, well, I was looking for a “Bundy” and that guy popped up.
 

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

The Next Bullet

 
Today President Obama launched into a speech about gun control, yet again. I, personally believe the tears were real. I also believe he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Let me give you a very simple fact. He cited Sandy Hook, Columbine, and the recent shootings, as well as continued violence in Chicago. Tell me, what do all mass shootings have in common? The victims were not armed. They were sheep. They hid, or ran, and hoped for the best. Even Fort Hood. Combat soldiers, forced to go without even side arms, waiting like school children for the next bullet.
Some things look real good on paper. The ideas glow, the math works. If we can only take guns off the streets then crime will diminish exponentially. Right? RIGHT? Wrong! Thirty people have guns. You pass laws to deprive twenty-nine of their weapons, either by background checks, red tape, or just convince them that your theory of human nature is right. So, what do you have left? One guy with a gun. Oh, for your information, he’s the sexually frustrated one who stole a gun from his cop father and he thinks he’s Batman. That, and he’s got twenty nine bullets in three clips. We wouldn’t want to break that ten bullet mag rule, now would we?
I buy guns on occasion. Most of the time I trot down to a pawn shop (hey, I live in Killeen, ok?) plunk down my ID, and good Lord willing and the creek don’t rise I walk out with a Smith and Wesson Nine. Fact is, if I were unhappy with my gun, and wanted a “cold” one, all I’d have to do is contact some “Home Boy” and I’d have a “40” quicker than a pizza. Now boys and girls, that is a fact of life, I crappith thee not!
They only thing that keeps guns out of the wrong hands is if they are addicted to drugs and the price of a gun is either beyond them, or the value is too big a temptation for a sale for another “rock.” I’ve depended on that with my altercations with such people right here. I have never faced one meth head who had a gun. Oh, I know it can happen, I’ve just never seen it, that’s all. But, we’re not talking about those people. Remember San Bernardino? The FBI can talk about all their theories, all their ideas, all their “forensic files,” those were ISIS soldiers! They finagled acquiring their guns, and if one plan didn’t work what do you suppose they would have done? Oh, I know, gave up and went home to the mother land. If you believe that, have I got a bridge for you, and it’s on sale!
The only thing that stops a mass shooting is when Mr. “I can’t find a girlfriend” points his gun at a crowd, twenty-nine guns point back! Ladies, that’s the rule of life! While I am touched by Obama’s tears, I’m unmoved by his logic. You’d think that a Home Boy who lived in Chicago would be more street smart than that. Guess he didn’t pick that up on the golf course, huh?
So, he’s going to embark on encumbering every law abiding American in the search for life, liberty and the pursuit of lunch without getting killed. Starbucks anyone. Not me! I will not get killed because some left wing girly-man never played cowboys and Indians. I, also will not eat in any café, go to a movie, mall, school, Walmart, or church. Land of the free! Yeah, right!
Simple Ol' Boy From Austin

Sunday, January 3, 2016

Family

And Jesus said, “Who is my family?” The definition of family can take many avenues. There is great pain, and tribulation when one tries to secure the connections that were cut at the very moment of birth. From the moment the cord is severed at birth we strive to draw circles around ourselves and call it, “family.” The natural bonds can be dissolved in a moment, as the illusion dissolves before our very eyes.
People come into our lives, and we keep them at a distance because they aren’t, “Family.” People who were family leave us, divorce us, disown us, and suddenly, we’re no longer, “Family.” People whom we barely knew die, and one night, in deep contemplation we discover that they were, “Family,” only no one ever told us. The loss is just as real.
My granddaughter, Puck, is nowhere near related to me. Her mother, and father do not have one strand of DNA in common with me, and yet, Puck is, “Family.” My Ex’s deceased husband, Joe, became family, but I never knew it until his ghost came to me after his death, and I began to realize that he considered me, and all my grandchildren, “Family.”
The problem comes when we conceive family, but it’s simply not there. Remember, that cord is cut at birth. Family comes from common bonds, common purpose, and common needs. Family is my friend, Somer, running down to the house to help with the kids after she had hernia surgery. Family is Sonny, cleaning up the blood after Joe hit the floor. Family is New Baby waking me up every morning for and egg sandwich.
The birth family is just what we start with. The only reason that unit stays together
as long as it does is that we don’t have the physical, or economic ability to run away after we realize we drew for a busted straight. The Mormons believe that we all exist in heaven and choose our family. The Mormons are smoking rope. Either that or God is not as efficient asE-harmony.com! The reason most families stay together is they are stuck together. They stay together because they are either too stupid to leave, or too scared, or lazy.
What will happen is that one day you will look up and notice that certain people are always around. You look for blood, and it’s not there, but if you dig just a little deeper you’ll find that bond; the one you can’t see, and that’s, “Family!” The family you are born into makes you what you are. The combination of genes and DNA build up the physical body. The family you find during life makes you what you will be. If you hold on to the birth people who reject you then you become disillusioned. If you let go and qualify people for the role of family you will grow. Be appreciative of “noble ancestors,” but embrace the spiritual family you form as life progresses.
That family will sustain you. That family will nurish you. That family will have a common bond with you. Ever been to a “family” reunion and suddenly find that you have nothing to talk about, and yet, upon returning home, discover that you are sorry the bar is closing because you have been talking with friends for hours. Well, you just found, “Family!”  A few days ago I sat on the steps of the Capitol in Austin. C. J. Grisham gave his speech announcing the first day of open carry for Texas. As I looked at the crowd I suddenly saw, “FAMILY!”
 

Saturday, January 2, 2016

The Willow Switch and the Chocolate Factory

Down Laurel Street from my grandmother’s house in Shreveport was a chocolate factory. There was this huge window in the front, giving full view of the machines inside that twirled and pumped the candy out. When I was five years old my dad would walk me past it on the way to Cotton’s grocery, but we’d never stop and just look. All I’d get was a passing glance as we continued to the store. I could actually smell the candy seeping through the door.
Now you have to understand 1950’s Louisiana. Kids and dogs ran free. Yeah, I said dogs, too. In fact, when the leash law took effect there was almost a rebellion. Now, when I look back, and remember all the dogs running around I wonder what was in our minds? Anyway, it was a kinder, gentler society. By the time I was seven, my mother taught me how to get on a trolley, go downtown to the Strand Theater, watch a movie, and find my way home. I also knew how to cross the street at the light, not talk to strangers, and not talk at all when grownups were speaking.
Free range did not apply to five year olds! I was expected to stay on my block. . . period! My grandmother watched me, and if I couldn’t hear MaMaw’s voice I’d gone out of my range. Still, there was the chocolate factory. Sin begins by coveting, and I coveted them candy bars. They loomed before me. Then one day, while walking around my block I conceived a plan. I made a couple of trips around the block to check things out. Then I stood at the corner for the longest time. The forbidden fruit was across that street, and just to the left about a hundred yards or so. I took a deep breath, and stepped off into eternity.
When I’d crossed the street and lived I became bolder. I felt liberty surge through my blood. The sights and sounds invigorated me. My stubby little legs picked up more and more speed, and before I knew it the chocolate factory was in sight. I ran to the window. There it was! I didn’t understand how the candy was made, just that I was. All the machinery was bright steel, with steam coming out of one end. The candy would come out of one end and another machine would wrap it. Then the pieces would go into a box. I slavered at the mouth as I watched so much wealth parading before my young eyes. There was not a prayer of my getting a piece, which is astounding that the people inside could see my nose up against the glass and not slip me a single piece. I know they saw me.
I never heard the shot that got me. All I remember was the fire on my legs. Now, back in the day the kids wore shorts. We didn’t tend to wear shoes, in fact, in summer it was a rite of passage to walk the streets that were covered with oil, and get your feet tough. My feet were tough, but MaMaw wasn’t hitting my feet, she was cutting them legs with a willow switch! Let me tell you, if your sin was drinking water before that switch hit, you’d never drink water again. Switched me all the way home, and then took me to church that Sunday where a Baptist preacher told me I was “A goin’ to HAYELLL!” I was scared of Jesus until I was thirty years old. Bad chocolate factory!
 

Friday, January 1, 2016

Pack It In Your Ass Friday

One hundred and forty five years ago some carpetbaggers decided it would be best if Texans didn’t carry guns around. Today, C. J. Grisham ascended the capitol steps in Austin in glory. They filtered in by twos and threes as the sun peeked through the clouds. It’s always windy on Capitol Hill, and in winter it can be quite crisp, but nobody seemed to mind because a victory, albeit one with conditions, was won.  Texans pushed for Constitutional Carry. What they got was the licensed carry with a twist. As C. J. told the crowd, Texans got to remove one thin bit of fabric, revealing the gun on the belt.
Heretofore the gun had to be concealed, so as not to alarm the public. Some police claimed that an exposed pistol would intimidate the public, not explaining why they carried in such a fashion, but I’m just a Simple Ol’ Boy From Austin, so what do I know? The crowd gathered slowly from about 10:30 on, but at 11:00 there were up to about 500 there, all open carrying the weapons they’d hidden for so many years. At 12:00 noon, the crowd began to walk slowly to the capitol steps to serve a bit of reality on Region Seven, DPS.
Region Seven, DPS is renowned for arresting, breaking ribs, and laws, while they serve and protect us from ourselves. They seemed to be reserved today, but I guess that’s because they were not the only ones open carrying. C. J. mounted the steps and gave a talk. As he spoke, I could remember his humiliating arrest in Temple, and the long march up to Capitol Hill to win this battle. Guess he was the one they should have left alone.
I thought that this day should be Texas holiday, and since it was on New Year’s, then it would fit right in. After much consideration I came up with a name. Since we were now “packing” and the DPS was sucking it up, we should call this day, “Pack It In Your Ass Friday!” I should be poet laureate, I really should. I wanted some statistics so I took a personal poll to see how many ISIS were in the crowd. When I couldn’t find any it dawned on me that this was not a gun free zone, like a school, or Christmas party, or church. I don’t know if that had anything to do with it.
The right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed! That one line perplexes the liberal mind, but I assure you that when they find themselves cringing beneath a desk as some nut pops the heads off of their co-workers they ain’t thinking about commas in the second amendment, they’re thinking about their butts! As the crowd began to work its way down Congress Avenue, I noticed that there wasn’t one drop of blood on the Capital grounds. Not one word of anger, not one altercation, not one round fired, and not one religious fanatic shouting anything about Allah! Nada! From a legless man in a wheel chair, to a mother carrying both a baby, and a gun, Sam Colt had made them all equal.
History was made today. It’s rare, but when you are it will humble you. These are just ordinary people who didn’t hide under their desks. From soldiers, to store clerks, to housewives, they all stood up and said, “Enough!” As C. J. said, we haven’t completely won, but we have begun, and each year I personally will celebrate, “Pack It In Your Ass Friday!”