I heard God's voice once, I really did. Back in the day, when I had testosterone, I took off on a blind date to New York City. I really did this, folks, you can't make this up. I'd met this girl over the phone during a call to a help center about my computer, and we'd become fast friends. How do you like that term, fast friends, <Wink Wink> After that, I needed a third floppy drive and the ONLY way I could get it was to fly up to Long Island and pick it up personally . . . from HER! ( See where this is going?) Now, I kinda had this wife and two kids at the time, but I didn't let THAT stop me, oh no! I made this whore-hunt look like a business trip. There really WAS a floppy drive, and I really DID develop a rental management program using the BASIC language, but I also really DID hang out at her place on Long Island for about ten days. Oh, one side note; my wife left me and took the kids. (This is my surprised face.) Combine this with the fact that I had a business partner who ate me butt first so my head died last. I'd flown out of Austin in a three piece suit and returned with my hair parted in the middle and an "I Luv NY" Tee-Shirt.
It was pretty much downhill from there. I can't tell you what my assets were when I landed at JFK, but I can tell you a year later I couldn't even pay child support. Back in the day, and this was '81, there wasn't any of this Yankee-fied Attorney General crap. There was just Judge Black! I appeared before his Honor and he told me if I didn't bring him three hundred dollars by Monday he was a gonna throw me on the rail road tracks! I told him I was so broke that I didn't have a place to live and he let me know if I didn't pay him on Monday he would FIND me a place to live!
Well, the next night, Saturday, I acquired a bottle and stumbled out into the Texas semi-desert to die. See, I had this theory. I could just keep walking until the Beam was all gone and then be too drunk to find my way back. Oh, I'm sorry, you're wondering about the girl in New York? She dumped me, but I digress. Anyway, here I was walking across the prairie and I saw this oak tree. I sat down beneath it and began to finish the bottle. Now bear in mind this was a Texas suicide. I didn't really intend to kill myself, but I was really at my wit's end, and that's going it a bit because I'm a WITT! I never prayed. I had tried to read the Bible but none of it made any sense. Anyway, sitting there I looked up and asked, "Why ME?" In the wind I heard a voice. It may have been just circumstance, or the Beam, or a combination thereof, but I distinctly heard it say, "Because you had this one coming!"
There was a Horney Toad crawling along and I picked him up. Now, I'm drunk at the time, so work with me on this. I asked the Horney Toad what I should do, and he told me I should go to Mexico. Let's see, Judge Black, Mexico? Well, that was a no-brainer. Before Monday I was in Nuevo Laredo. I can't tell you how many years it took me to get my boys back, but I did rebuild my life. Of course God does have a sense of humor and I went into the music business, but I've never cheated on a wife since, and I've had several.
The end result of this is I have a positive attitude. When I lose everything. and I've lost my butt so many times it's a wonder that I can take a crap, I just look at it like taking a flight without having to worry about luggage because when hard times come I know there's something right around the corner. That's why I love people who have it all figured out. Here's your bottle, there's your tree, and heeeeere's your sign!
There was a father who had a son
He longed to tell him all the reasons for the things he'd done
He came a long way just to explain
Kissed his boy as he lay sleeping, then he turned around and headed home again.
God moves in mysterious ways . . .
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