I just love it when the government tries to legislate sex. California just came up with a law where they have abandoned the “No means no,” program, and instituted something they call, “Yes means yes.” Now, bear in mind, friends and neighbors, that this comes from a state where men marry men, women marry women and the sheep are nervous. I’ve always been a nerd when it comes to women. My mom told me she’d kill me if I ever hurt a good girl so my only come-on line was, “Will you marry me?” I’ve used that line a few times in my life.
I could never pick up on the little “signals” that women are supposed to give when they’re in the mood. I’ve read all the articles, watched all the videos, but none of it works for me. That’s why I like Frenchi so much. She’s a no-nonsense kind of a Texas girl who drinks “Four Locos” and is very clear about where the evening is going. My kind of woman! The little subtle insinuations don’t work for me at all. Oh, I’ve heard about the old, “If she begins a conversation with you that means she’s interested,” and all that, but what if the girl is just asking for another beer? With me she has to sit in my lap and jump up and down. That’s a pretty good sign.
So here we have a young college student in California (poor guy) at a party throwing back a few, sitting out under the palm trees, with girls all around. And brothers and sisters, these are CALIFORNIA girls! California girls are different. They all seem to look like the are auditioning for a role on the Disney Channel, you know, that time honored tribute to pedophilia we all try to ignore? And here comes, say, KIM. They all seem to have those trendy names, Kim, Brittney, Brooke, you know. Now Miss Kim has been at the party for about two hours and she’s gotten HERSELF drunk. And she got drunk for a reason. It releases her inhibitions. Alert the media! People drink so they can do things they wouldn’t normally do and lay it off on a Bud Lite. Drawn like a moth to a flame she zeros in on Brad (the guys have trendy names out there, too) and begins to “flutter her wings” doing that little sex dance that trendy girls do out in Cali.
California girls are, well, bitches, ok. I’ve met a few, and I had to take a twelve step program to get off of them because they’re all bi-polar, that is until they lace the evening with a few glasses of wine, then they become “half-woman.” Now, “half-woman” is a creature where they look like a woman, they act like a woman, but they’re like a used car salesman who will entice you with a good deal and you drive off with a lemon. I met one at a winery. She drank all the free wine, walked around with a gown that would melt the wax off a Dixie Cup at one hundred yards, and by the time she climbed into the limo (more free drinks) and sat by me I thought she was a girl. Well, I was wrong! “No means No, Yes means Yes,” and “Get outta my face means you just snuggled up to a barracuda! I got my “Simple Ol’ Boy” feelings hurt REAL bad! I be like, “You act like a girl, you smell like a girl, why don’t the gown come off, honey?”
So, anyway, here’s Brad, drunk, with Kim, equally drunk, and they find themselves to an upper room, and friends, they’re NOT going up there for the Last Supper. One thing leads to another and the next day Kim wakes up wearing Brad’s shirt! What’s a girl to do? Naturally her memory is a bit cloudy, but then, so is Brad’s. After the required amount of guilt trip she trots down to the police department and spills her guts to the cops, how she was passed out and Nasty ol’ Brad took clever advantage of her of her fresh, young body! Brad goes to jail, makes bail, and ends up in court trying to explain to a jury the intricate details of seducing a girl who, in spite of being drunk, found her way to a bed room, in a strange house, and somehow got her clothes off, and Brad’s shirt ON! Of course you know the rest. It’ll all end up on CNN, with one of those hottie reporters looking all disturbed about the event, and the Mothers against anything normal will rail against ALL men, and guns of course (how did THAT get in there) and Brad’s life will be forever changed.
For our young scholars out there, girls ALWAYS say, “No!” It’s the inflection you have to pay attention to. There is a vast gulf between, “DON’T! STOP!” and,”Don’t stop!” And California trying to legislate the the bedroom is just about right for the land of fruits and nuts. Now, I know a lot of women will flip out at what I’m saying but sorry, that’s just the way it is. Anyway, that’s why I’m no good with women. It’s just too complicated negotiating your way through a liasion with some drunk girl who wakes up with a different personality the next morning. And, oh, yes, Brad’s husband divorces him over the whole thing!
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