On The Eighth Day God Made Texas

On the eighth day God made Texas. I found it in the Bible!

And God saw everything that he had made, and, behold, it was very good. And the evening and the morning were the sixth day.

Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all the host of them.

 And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made.

And God blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it: because that in it he had rested from all his work which God created and made.

Then God began to consider. Looking at all He had made, and the man, and the animals, the rocks, the trees, oceans, and the fish therein, and He saw that something was still missing. For God knew man for what he was, and knew that man would stray like a child in a school yard. There needed to be one place, one people, who while being flawed, and would make mistakes, would still retain God’s original plan, and be willing to act on it, so on the eighth day God made Texas!

As you know, I spent some time in Utah recently. I studied the culture there, enjoyed the mountains, met the people, and found a society that had evolved from a hardy pioneer stock to populate an area that no man in his right mind would even have a second thought about. I returned home, and as luck would have it, I ended up on my porch alone last night, and that’s never good because I begin to think. My night progressed to YouTube and I first researched the Great Salt Lake. Yeah, I’m boring, but I’m old, bear with me. Then I watched a slew of stuff on Joseph Smith, including what looked like the Disney version of his life. Yeah, I watched the whole movie. The night wound up with a presentation by some guy who was a former Satanist, turned Mormon, and then got “born again.” (Wait for it.)

This learned gentleman went through great lengths to slander Smith, and finally produced his “proof” that the Devil had inspired Brigham Young to draw up the Blue Prints for the Salt Lake Temple. Ok, I’m just a Simple Ol’ Boy From Austin, but I did have a twelve pack so I continued. That was. . . special. I notice little things. Real things. And the more beer I drink, the more I notice. Hey, it’s a “Texas” thing.  One thing I noticed was this cat did an entire segment lambasting the LDS “Garment.” Now, for the uninformed the “garment” is a form of underwear worn by Mormons for a physical reminder of the adherence to their beliefs. They have these little symbols on them, and there is an entire ritual concerning the wearing of this cloth. Well, first he tore into the symbols, going back to Babylon or someplace, but finally settled on the Masons. (This is my surprised face.) If you ever want to see a religious nut go off, just bring up the Masons. Anyway, he cited Bible verse after Bible verse showing how God hates underwear. I’m listening to this idiot, but still couldn’t help but wonder how Marie Osmond looked in her underwear. I digress.

Then, an angel appeared unto me. I looked upon the angel, and the angel was magnificent. Funny thing about angels is that you can never tell if they are male or female, what with the long blonde hair, the fair features. I suspect this was a California angel. Anyway,  I walked up to the angel and I said, “What?” And the angel got holy, and powerful, and resounded-duh. And the angel said, “Look at that fool’s head!” So, I did. On top of his head was this little beany kinda like Spanky used to wear in the Little Rascals. So here’s this hypocrite ranting and raving about someone’s drawers while he’s wearing a religious symbol of his own right on top of his head. Wisdom comes in small doses, folks.  He ended his lecture with the conclusion that the Mormons were in a vast conspiracy to take over the world, with the cooperation of the Devil of course, and would move the Oval Office to a Mormon Temple in DC about a block or two from the White House. (You can’t make this stuff up, people.) That, and Joseph Smith set this all up on some hill in New York one hundred and ninety-three years ago. I can get this same kind of nonsense out of Frenchi if I run a few shots of Tequila through her, and I’m quite sure she looks a lot better in her underwear than he looks in his!

I called it a night, but this morning I caught a Charlie Daniels video Pale Horse, and that scared the pee out of me all good and proper. Ok, let’s cut to the core. Let me do a refresher for you from Wilbur 101. There is a God Hole in everyone’s head. People try to explain their situation by filling that hole. Now, there is a creative force in the universe, and if you don’t believe that just try to make a leaf. Left on its own, this pretensity will lead to millions of conclusions, all different, all filling the hole with whatever. Religious thought is organic. When the dots don’t connect, just make more dots. Let’s look at some facts, shall we?

Fact: The man in the lecture never changed. He just traded one addiction for another. It always amazes me that when some people find “God” they immediately try to impose their “God” on other people who are trying to fill their God Hole. They do this by finding fault, and of course, if the other person doesn’t agree then it simply must be the Devil!

Fact: The Mormons are not going to take over the world. ISIS won’t let them. Whenever you find an organization that seems to be doing well there will always be people who theorize that the success of said organization must be from, you guessed it, the Devil. Hence you get an old man trying to rip everyone’s underwear off whilst wearing Spanky’s Beany.

Fact: The US has gone to hell in a handbasket. You don’t have to connect any dots there, just look out the window. Shucks, look in your wallet. While I don’t believe in any “Illuminati” I do believe that there are a host of fools out there who think they’re Illuminati. And Masons? A bunch of old men in funny hats with their own secret handshake and an apron! Now, there is a link between Masons and Mormons. Joseph Smith was a Mason, and borrowed their rituals for his “Temple.” You will also note that Ted Cruz stuck his hand in his coat for a picture and walked away with Utah quite handily. (You can’t make this stuff up, folks.)

Fact: Never forget that we Texans are the only people left who will hold up in a church and shoot at you. We’ve done it twice now.

Conclusion: Texas will eventually divorce our unfaithful wife, America. We don’t buy into secret handshakes, underwear, symbols, or any of that other nonsense. What we do buy into is constitutions, oil, cattle, tech, real money, and freedom. Oh, buy the way, we just went on the gold standard again. Ya’ll didn’t know that did you. While you were looking under Obama’s hair for horns we quietly solidified our economy. Jus’ Sayin’. The Texans heading this all up are like my friend, Doc Greene. He filled his God Hole with, well, GOD! You remember Him, don’t you? The guy who made Texas. Beam me up, Scotty.