One of the lovely things about being a Simple Ol' Boy From Austin is, well, being simple. That concept permeates all that I write, and infuriates my critics. People wonder how I find so much humor in current events, and it's basically very easy. When you peel back the layers of the politically correct onion, and put it on a plate it generates humor. After the mainstream media, oh gosh, let's just throw in alternative media, too, puts layer upon layer of spin on any given situation, all you have to do is step back, take a good look at the actual event, and, as the homeboys say in Killeen, "Whomp! Dey it is!"
Let's begin with the crash of MH17, shall we? To start out, flying on anything out of Indonesia is stupid. That in itself demonstrates Darwin's theory of natural selection. Indonesia is a totally Muslim country with no tolerance, and that's pretty stupid right there. So, anyway, they take off and file their flight plan...right OVER a war zone! See where this is going folks? You have a full blown civil war going on down there and you're cruising along eating peanuts and flirting with the flight attendants. Down on the ground you have a bunch of guys running around who are taking hits from every direction, in possession of a tank-like vehicle loaded up with not one, but FOUR missiles that could take out the White House. (Hmmm, now there's a thought.) Anyway, I digress. So, these guys are wiping the gunpowder out of their eyes, looking up and what do they see? A vapor trail! Have you ever looked up at a commercial jet flying at 35,000 feet. When I was a kid I thought the vapor trail was the whole plane! You can't SEE the plane! So, what do they do? Why shucks! Fire off them missiles! Shoot that sucker down! The stream of obscenities flowing out over the phone lines when the soldiers came upon the crash scene, what with luggage, cocktail glasses and Barbie Dolls led investigators in Rotterdam to conclude that the plane MIGHT have been hit by a missile. Well, butter my butt, and call me a biscuit.
Now, for your reading pleasure lets look at the case of Oscar Pistorius. Oh God, where do I start? Ok, let's peel this onion. You got this cripple (politically incorrect enough for you?) sleeping with this drop dead (oh, bad choice of words) super model, and he is awakened by a noise. He sits up in bed, which is no easy trick cause he ain't GOT no legs, and stumps off down the hall with a pistol looking for an intruder. Now, let's roll this back a frame or two. Didn't notice that the GIRL was not in bed. I've done some dumb stuff in my life boys and girls, but I have NEVER misplaced a piece of tail. He hears a sound emanating from the bathroom, so what does he do? Does he call out his girlfriend's name? It was never quite clear if he checked under the sheets or not. Why, heck NO! He pops off four or five rounds through the door, which he then, and only then, realizes he just might be missing a chick somewhere in the house, batters down the door, and there she is! Uh, she's looked better. A large amount of time was consumed trying to ascertain if Oscar was walking or stumping at the time, and did he scream like a man or a woman. Oscar never screamed for us in court, what with all the crying and puking, but, long story made short he was cleared of murder, and the judge is still laboring over just WHAT Oscar might be guilty of. Now that's not an onion, that's a BLOOMING onion!
Finally, we have Obama's solution for ISIS. Here it comes folks. Save your fork! I've already given you my take on ISIS, but for new kids on the block it is a group of Muslims who are ticked off at anyone who doesn't wear the correct towel. Oh, and they don't like girls either. Well, ISIS has been tearing through Syria, which is no easy trick because Syria is tore UP! Then they stomped off into Iraq, and decided to declare an Islamic State. Now, this is a little like the "Bloods" declaring California to be a HomeBoy Nation, ok? In the process they lob off a couple heads for everyone's edification and the news hungry populace lost its collective mind. That's what Muslims DO, people. They cut people's heads off and beat the devil out of their women. Well, Obama decided to make a speech. I was going to watch, but I was busy getting drunk at the time, having a serious conversation with a lizard on my back porch so I missed it, but I caught the replay and here's what transgressed. Barak is sending in men and equipment to "contain" ISIS, but it's not going to be a war. Somewhere I hear the ghost of Bruce Lee saying, "The art of fighting widout fighting." Now, THIS is onion RINGS, people. You got at least TWO groups of disorganized idiots duking it out, who can't even agree on the Qu'ran, and expecting them to understand that we're there to just teach someone how to shoot the right guy, Am I the only one who thinks this game plan just MIGHT blow up in our face? I'm not even going to get into all the intricacies of this situation but I will ask, what DIFFERENCE will it make? I'll close with a statement I'd LIKE to hear Obama make. "I want to make this perfectly clear. When you go to Starbucks there are many types of coffee, but it's all still coffee. All presidents have many different approaches to different situations. I'm the Mocha choice."
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