Wine, Beaches, and Two Solo Cups

                               Wine, Beaches, and Two Solo Cups

     I've never thought of myself as a lady's man, in fact I'm about as far from a jock as you can be and not be gay. After the events at Santa Barbara I picked up on several news clips and articles talking about the killer's lack of success with women drove him to kill and the empathy for his situation finally building up to  where nerds were saying they "understand" the pressure the man was under. 

     Let me start out by saying women are human beings. They are not organic based devices that have magic buttons where, when pushed in the proper sequence, their clothes fall off. That's what all these dating sites and so-called experts would have you believe. I listened to an idiot (yeah I'm talking about you, Jay) who convinced me to go to POF (Plenty of Fish.) I was truthful on my input of facts about myself and got plenty of whales . . . OLD whales! 

     So this guy couldn't get laid by twenty two. I didn't get laid until twenty and even then I had to get married and make an appointment. She allowed me access on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but I had to keep it to three minutes. Even to this day when guys are talking about some chick that's easy I'm always the one she missed. I have no style. The best I can do is be a gentleman and that way when I strike out I can always play it off as being polite and respectful. Frankly I'm afraid of girls in Killeen. There are so many STDs in this town you have to find a girl young enough so that she's not that experienced, but then there's a catch 22 because there are laws about touching girls that young. 

     My best advice is to know for every nerdy guy there is a nerdy girl. For every guy who is worried about the size of his penis there is a flat chested girl out there who is right for him. I've been married five, no six times. One more and I'll have used up all the tags on my Dear License. I really don't want to get married again because I love getting up in the morning and doing what the hell *I* want to do. I don't worry about relationships because I have a dog and I have to much fun watching young guys worming through THEIR relationships. 

     So don't tell me that some guy tooling around SoCal in a BMW with an apartment and money in the bank couldn't find a girl. Osama Bin Laden could find a date in Ocean Side with a bomb in each hand. I'm the worse, clumsiest, ED victim on the planet, and if you put me on a beach in California with a bottle of wine and two solo cups I will get laid!