Why Am I Sitting Outside?

It took me three days to drive up to Utah, and my hands paid for it. Had the same problem when I went up to Long Island to fetch my third ex-wife. Naturally, if your hands hurt you don’t tend to write much, but you think a lot! You think about things like, “Why am I sitting outside in twenty degrees smoking a cigarette, and where is there a cup of coffee with coffee involved?” I think the entire state of Utah is a park, and it should be. It’s almost as if they planned this place.

You simply cannot come here and not be aware of religion. Hence, the first article to come out this week was The Farm Boy, The Angel, and the Religion of Peace. It is said that there are two angels that look over you. One, on your right shoulder is a nice guy, who preaches to you about the Ten Commandments, and the other one is a bit like Clint Eastwood. The Mormons used to be bad, and I mean Porter Rockwell bad, but sometime after they dispensed with all them wives they got politically correct. As the Beatles once sang, “Get back to where you once belonged!” When it comes to a bunch of camel jockeys vs real Americans, my money goes on the Americans every time. The LDS people have been dormant for over a hundred years, but I think if they ever wake up Allah will have something to contend with.

Utah went for Ted Cruz in their caucus. Ted used his usual, mealy-mouth, snake in the grass, dirty trick, running a picture of Donald Trump’s wife from another life to secure it. When Don’s wife Lost the Caucus, I was taken aback, but then I learned the real demographics of Utah politics i.e. the old ladies run the state! Old Mormon ladies take a dim view of naked butts. Being an old “Reptile Bait,” myself, I hadn’t noticed. (I was too busy looking at her butt!) Combine this with the fact that I went up to about six-thousand feet here, and got into a whiskey drinking contest with my retired Navy brother in law, and God dimmed the light of my wisdom. I’ll always feel that I lost the state of Utah for Trump because of a hangover, but I digress.

I just love it when I find that someone is a bigger scumbag than I am, and by golly I found two this week. Your Wife is So Ugly goes into the comments and re-Tweets between Donald Trump, and Ted Cruz, as they try to figure out who’s old lady is the bigger floozy!  Now Ted came up short here. He’s just married, but Don! He’s got it all figured out. After he wears out one wife, he just marries another world class model. It’s good to be the king! Hey. . . works for me! Cruz blubbered like a little girl after Trump put up a picture of his wife’s face, and Trump counter attacked by paying the National Enquirer to run pictures of all of Ted’s girlfriends. These guys are running for president! Poor Obama just danced a tango down in South America somewhere, but the wife war took the media by storm. I’d love to take the moral high ground, and say I was offended by all this, but I’m not. I’ve been married six times, and under Texas law I have one tag left on my “Dear” license. But, wait! Under the ruling of the Supreme Court there is a slim possibility that polygamy could be reinstated. Then, I could find me three or four of these Mormon chicks, marry them all, and count that as one marriage. I shoulda been a lawyer, really, I should.