I have a theory. I’ve been mediating on the land of fruits and nuts all day and began to formulate. This is dangerous, folks, cause I have a hangover. As I have said before most of California is just Texas with better weather, but there’s this strip extending from about L.A. down to around San Diego, and running about twenty-five miles inland. Now, I’ve noticed that the San Andreas fault line runs parallel with this geographic positioning, and that’s where my theory arises. East of that line everyone is pretty much sane, but west of it. . . well there’s the problem.
I was watching some documentary on the Discovery Channel where a guy went up on top of the great pyramid in Egypt and mounted a light bulb up there, and the blamed thing lit up! He said it was from “forces” beneath the ground and that we would all be eating Rainbow Stew if we could tap into it. Ok, now let’s develop that idea. If there are “forces” under the pyramid from rocks and water it only goes to follow that there simply must be forces emanating out from that fault line.
Now, we know, or assume that electricity has some kind of effect on the human brain, right? (Save your fork, folks.) The issue is just how is this affecting the human psyche. Well, that’s where my theory kicks in. I give you “Wilbur’s Theory of Liberalization.” It works like this: We are all born with a fair measure of common sense. Baby knows to suck, cry, pee in their pants, you know, simple stuff. The electromagnetic forces along the western side of that fault line realigns the molecules in the frontal lobe giving us liberalization. Liberalization is not a natural thing, it must belearned.
Universal magnetism is a natural law. Opposites attract, like forces repel. In California it goes another direction. They roll with the idea that if you push anything together long enough it will stick. When I was in high school we’d go to the football games and never watch the game. That was because we were all under the stands trying to get the cheerleaders drunk, and brothers and sisters, back in them days the cheerleaders were all girls. I can’t recall one time sitting around the fire at the lake with a bunch of us boys and someone said, “Hey! Let’s all bump each other in the BUTT!” Nope, never heard that, but it seems to come quite natural to those fellers out there west of that line I previously pointed out.
There are other indications, such as mistaking a ham sandwich like Michael Moore for a movie producer, Cher as a singer, or some guy in underwear as an M. C. A state with more wetbacks than oranges that outlaws guns and pocket knives. Go figure. And the poor Californians over on the east side of the crack in the world can do little more that grow avocados and hope the basket weavers don’t outlaw them and import from Mexico. Know why Cali legalized marijuana? Cause they couldn’t get any crazier.
Now, we have another problem here. These people keep getting on planes and coming to Texas. We have to watch that because they bring their hair brained ideas with them and those geological forces out there have also altered their DNA, so when they have kids the kids are borncrazy! You fast forward two or three generations and we’ll have another border issue in Texas. . . Texans swimming the river to get away from CaliTex! And it’s already started. The term “Pink Dome” has taken on a new significance. We must devise a test that should be administered to everyone coming to Texas from California. Three questions: Are you a boy or a girl, do you like boys or girls, and can you tell the difference between a biscuit and a brisket.
California has given us many wonderful things. Give me a minute. Well, I know they have given us something. Knott’s Berry Farm. There. . . I’ll go with that.
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