Liberal Apples and Conservative Oranges

     I just love it when people apply labels to me. Heck, better than that, I really love it when people put labels on themselves. You see, that's the problem with labels. Once you subscribe to one you have to BE that label, and the definitions change so you have to keep abreast of the current status quo. A girl friend of mine, that's girl FRIEND, not girlfriend, defined by touch, don't touch, but I digress, a girl friend of mine tells me I am a conservative Republican. She considers me a gun toting, beer drinking, missionary sex type of guy who hates on everyone darker than me. I guess that means when I'm in California and get a tan I can include more friends. Also I simply must hate all immigrants. For the record I love half of the Mexicans because common sense tells me at least half of them simply must be women. I do drink beer, but prefer martinis. Uh, straight up martinis, not those apple juice concoctions the Yankees drink and call themselves sophisticated. I do have a gun. The missionary sex thing. Well, all depends on what she weighs. And I AM sixty-three now. 

     When I meet a young liberal chick the conversation usually turns to politics. Abortion, gay rights, guns, you name it, and what I really want to say is, "Hey, baby, we're like, in a BAR, and you are a young, liberal minded, healthy DRUNK woman . . . aren't you supposed to pay my tab, go to a hotel and rock my world?" They never do, of course, because for all the liberal nonsense they turn into rejuvenating virgins whenever you suggest they act like a woman. And with all the new twists and turns in rape laws these days I never have sex unless I have a signed contract and two witnesses in the room during the consummation. 

     Actually I'm not conservative or liberal, I'm just me. I wouldn't date a man, but I'd probably marry three girls if I legally could. I support open carry, but I probably won't do it because it's uncomfortable doing so. Ever carry a gun on your hip? Well, there you go. I don't wear cowboy boots either. I have many black friends but have never dated a black chick because I like short, white, young blondes. At the age of eight I fell in love with Tinker Bell and it stuck. Did you ever consider Tinker Bell being full sized and real? What to do with the wings during sex. Ok, I'm a little weird,  live with it! Wonder if I can find a Tinker Bell costume . . .

     Actually, I'm too old to chase women anymore. Two reasons: One, I don't have that kind of energy, and two, I've already caught several in my lifetime and divorces are so traumatizing. I can't get along with any woman for any substantial period of time. The reason being that I like to get up in the morning and do what *I* want to do. You get a girl and she says, " What are you going to do this morning?" to which you reply, "I was thinking a cup of coffee on the porch, and reading the news," and she says, "But you promised ME Starbucks!" Well, there you go. Half your freedom right out the window. And don't EVEN try to have drinks on the patio. Bear in mind you picked this chick up in a bar, but the moment she moves in it's, "Are you just going to sit there with a Martini all night?" Well, uh, YEAH! 

     Frenchi is the perfect girlfriend. First she's street legal. Always nice not to post a fifty thousand dollar bond for taking a shower. Next, she is drop dead gorgeous, which is a plus at sixty three. Now I like older women, I just don't like to touch them. She always has her own money, and that's a biggie. Finally, she'll hang around for a bit, and then she'll get on Facebook, find some guy, pick up her backpack and she's out the door until next time! The PERFECT woman. Oh, and she always catches the dishes before she leaves. 

     Now the above is as cock-eyed a lifestyle as you can get, but my friend still tags me as "conservative." She considers herself to be a flaming liberal. One day I'll run a few martinis through her and see what pops up. Until next time, same BAT time, same BAT channel . . . Boy! Did I just date myself with THAT one!