Freedom of speech. This means you can say anything you want to say so long as you don't threaten someone's safety or life. You can get on a soapbox, in front of the White House and expound any cock-eyed theory of foreign policy you want so long as you don't tell people to fire a pistol through the White House door. If you are stupid then only stupid people will listen to you. Come to think of it, you'd probably draw quite a crowd up there. There is no such thing as "free speech zones!" Right now we have the silliest set up the world has ever seen. Texas Patriots cannot talk about Texas independence outside a "free speech zone" at San Jacinto while some nut jobs can put a reward on the Internet for a police officer's head. Am I the only one laughing here? Oh darn! My bad. The nut jobs were black. That explains it.
Right to bear arms. Did you ever stop to think how many hours have been spent trying to get around this one line amendment? It is simple. Translated into Texan it simply states, "Y'all can have guns." The Constitution puts limits on the Federal government. In the so called Wild Wild West the local sheriff controlled guns quite well. And people don't have to be told not to carry a gun to church. Now that's CHURCH, boys and girls, not Mosques! You should carry a gun there. Bad people will always get guns. Good people need guns to shoot bad people. You'll never run out of bad people with guns. Every now and then I say something profound. It happens. I sit here on this porch with a cigarette and a glass of Jim Beam and the spirit comes upon me. Once the spirit told me, "When you're hiding under your desk as some nut is shooting everybody in your office, you won't be worried about commas in the second amendment, you'll be worried about your ASS!"
Presidents don't make laws, they formulate policy. Now, work with me here, ok? Some guy gets elected based on ideas he has about how do direct the nation. He has goals. He takes these ideas to Congress. You know, that bunch of wine heads you pay a lot for nothing? He says, "I want some kind of affordable health care so folks can see a doctor without selling their first born. You guys work it out and send it over to my house and I'll sign it for you." Then the Congress draws something up. It can be as simple as the sudden realization that you can't control doctors, and you shouldn't, but you can put a leash on insurance companies. You see, there's your problem. Some doctor comes up with a treatment and puts an astronomical price on it, the insurance companies say, "Heck we'll pay that," and they pass the cost right on down to Suzie Sweetcheeks working as a waitress down at Mel's Diner. Just tell the insurance companies they can pay all they want, but they can't gouge the public for their extravagance. The Congress does all the work, the President signs it, and he looks like a great innovator while hanging out at the golf course and kissing a few babies.
To have a country you almost must have borders. I think the rules to enter the country should at least be as stringent as the ones governing admission to a biker bar, ok? I mean, you set up a country, draw a circle around it and say, "We be here!" Then you put people in charge of that and tell them, "Shoot anybody who climbs over that there fence." Now, there will be a little bit of an outcry from the climbers for a few days, but eventually they'll figure it out. I am not unfeeling. When they start throwing their kids over the fence, spank their asses and throw them BACK! Shoot the parents. And drug smugglers? No problem! When you catch them just make them eat their fill of whatever they are bringing into the country and burn the rest. Uh, don't burn marijuana. That doesn't work. Send that to Austin. Them boys will take it from there.
Welfare. Wow! Where do I start? Ok, don't have it. In all my years I've never seen a skeleton lying in a ditch by the side of the road. Know why you have riots in Ferguson? Them people have too much energy and too much time on their hands. They don't have to work and dinner is always on the table. Michael Brown stole cigars, not Little Debbie cakes, although from his picture I know he's seen a few Little Debbies in his time. Hey, news flash. Necessity is the mother of invention. Hunger does away with a lot of tootie fruity ideas. I used to have a lot of pie in the sky theories. Then I went to Nashville and them fellers simplified all that nonsense. Pie in the sky got reduced to pie in one lesson.
Separation of church and state. I love this. Three kids get reprimanded for praying in the corner of a school yard while some Imam prays over Congress. You can't make this stuff up, folks. Here's the Congress of the United States sitting there blinking while some raghead babbles on and on about Allah. And not one of them, even got up to go to the restroom. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I said "Raghead," get over it! I told you they were wine heads. Hey, it's not just up in Washington, we got a few of these idiots running loose in Austin. A few years ago a congressman down here introduced a resolution acknowledging Albert DeSalvo's contribution to birth control and the Texas congress overwhelmingly approved it. He let the resolution be all printed up with a pretty bow around it before he told the voice of the people that Albert was the Boston strangler. Like I said, you can't make this stuff up! You cannot separate moral teachings from government, or maybe that's the problem here, hmmmmm? After years and years of trying to sterilize the human soul we have a congress full of, well, wine heads.
And last but not least, Gay Marriage. (May I have a drum roll please!) This all stems from licensing. Let's look at marriage license. Billy Joe Jim Bob falls in love with Suzie Sweetcheeks. "Gee, Suzie, I sho' Nuff would like to jump in your drawers." "But, Billy Joe, you know we's got to go down to the court house and gets us one of them marriage licenses afore we can do that. And they's rules!" Billy Joe scratches his head, "Rules?" Suzie continues, "Why yeah. First I gotta be a girl, and you gotta be a boy" Now, Billy Joe already had already figured that part out so there was no problem there. "Then, Billy Joe, we gots to go to the doctor so's you don't give me the Clap like your cousin gave Miss Elderberry the school teacher." Billy Joe agrees to that. "Then, we's gotta find twenty dollars, cause that's what the government charges so we can say the words over to the church." Well, Suzie and Billy Joe do tie the knot and live happily ever after. Billy Joe even becomes a pillar of the community, he and Suzie get a mortgage on a double wide and raise their boy to be a great leader. Suzie, and Billy Joe Abbott were very proud of him. Now, that was a pretty good poke at Texas white trash, and I am qualified to do that because I'M Texas white trash. Kinda like some black folks using that word we crackers can't even write in a letter to mama, but we all know how that goes, now don't we? Ok, now remove marriage license from the equation. See how that works? Then people so inclined can just trot down to the church of the Pink Flamingo and get hitched. Oh, and by the way, if we have this "separation of church and state" how'd a marriage license get through the church doors in the first place. I'm confused. And tax credits for fellers marrying fellers? Just add a square to the tax forms. Shouldn't take much time or ink to do that. They printed up ObamaCare, didn't they? One added feature. If you have to license something then just license it! All licenses must be renewed from time to time. Say after two years, things just aren't working out you just don't renew and go your merry ways. No more divorces!
Life's most difficult challenges become so simple when you just step back and look at them. And while you're laughing consider this. All my suggestions would work. Well, they'd work until the liberals got involved. But they're too well fed and just have too much time on their hands. Good day!
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