So I walked up to the voice, and I said, "WHAT?"
And the voice said, "Gimme some of dat samitch!"
I said, "If you're an angel make your own damn sandwich."
Then, the voice said, "Behold, for I shall tell you the story of a fairy princess."
I thought, "What the hell? I got a bottle and two packs of cigarettes, sure."
And so the voice began: Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there was a fairy princess. She had golden locks, and eyes the color of a clear, blue mountain lake. She lived in the palace with the king, and her family. But all was not well with her for she had a condition that would rise on occasion and take the sweetness from her blood. The wizards had prescribed a magical formula, which if given in a timely fashion, would restore the sweetness, and the fairy princess would again frolic among the heather.
But there was an evil witch. Her name was SchoolNurse, and she greatly desired to have the fairy princess. By and by she came upon a plan. In secret meetings with another witch, called Neighbor, she said, "If the fairy princess loses the sweetness of her blood, and we should herald the Black Knights, then I, SchoolNurse, can demand the princess be with me and then I will control her, and all of her gold, given her by her mother. So they began to put their evil plan into action.
One morning when the Fairy Princess woke she was especially happy, and lively, for a great feast was approaching, and during this feast, she would be allowed to eat the sacred bird, which would be prepared in such a way that she could enjoy as much as she wanted, and the sweetness of her blood would not depart. The king used the magic wand, known as "Pen" and a holy book called "reader" and on that particular morning the Fairy Princess' blood was especially sweet, indeed, two hundred and twenty cubits. This caused no alarm for the wizards had told how in the morning such a sweetness may indeed arise, but it should abate when the sun is directly overhead, and the wand known as "Insulin" would not be required.
So, therefore, the Fairy Princess went to the library of all knowledge, known as "school." After a time, and half a time, as the king sat at meat that morning, there came a communication. SchoolNurse said that the sweetness had fled from the Fairy Princess and that he should return immediately lest she should fall into a sleep that no prince might awaken her. When the king arrived he found that SchoolNurse had summoned other wizards, called "9-11" and they were ministering to the Fairy Princess. By and by some of the sweetness returned and the king took the princess back to the castle.
The Princess began to feel better, even cooking a stew for her brothers to eat, but when it came time to eat she was not a hungered, and wished only to rest. As she slept the sweetness fled her blood, yet again, and when the king tried to awaken her she would not rise. He knew that he must introduce sweetness into her so he had her drink wine which hath no spirit, known as Apple Juice. Again, just as before, some of the sweetness returned, and the princess awoke, although her vigor was abated. She sat at theater until bed.
At the witching hour wails began to emit from the princess' bed chamber, and the entire castle was awakened. It was discovered that a demon had entered into the Fairy Princess, depriving her of her reason, crying out in loud voices. The king summoned the 9-11 wizards and they used one of their magic wands to restore, yet again, some of the sweetness to the princess' blood. The wizards said that this demon was of no consequence, and that the princess should be free of it, but the king said, "Nay! I shall take her to the powerful wizards in a neighboring kingdom and they shall divine the source of this demon, for it has reared its head not once, but twice, and this had never occurred before."
So, the princess was taken to a castle, where she had her own private bed chamber. Two great wizards were summoned, and a third from the kingdom of Austin. They met, and afterwards they concluded that someone had given the princess a magic wand that was not required. On that morning the sweetness of her blood was normal for royalty and should abate by noon without the use of any wand. Someone had used not one wave of the wand, but SIX waves, and this had summoned the demon that had disrupted the castle and dimmed the light of the princess' wisdom! Indeed, these wizards had a scroll that when read properly, could tell that the princess had no such demon up until that fateful morning.
The king returned to the castle, leaving the Fairy Princess in the watchful care of the master wizards, and the Queen for the night, and indeed, the Fairly Princess began to improve, even studying scrolls on her iPad throughout the evening. When darkness had fallen there came a knock on the palace door, and the king, and his knights found Neighbor standing there. She beseeched the King not to slay her, and said that SchoolNurse had summoned the Black Knights to spirit the Fairy Princess to her castle whereupon she should be placed in a dungeon and all of her gold and jewels would be given to her by the Black Knights. The king was perplexed, for he had been led to believe that most, if not all of the Black Knights had been slain, yea, even with the sword known as SunSet, but Neighbor told him this was not so, and a few of them were hiding, waiting to yet again attack the people. The king thanked Neighbor but later his knights asked him, why should neighbor reveal this plot, as she had not demanded gold, and only her fear had driven the words from her mouth?
On the morrow the Fairy Princess returned to the castle, the sweetness of her blood having been restored. As the sun rose, however the Black Knights did indeed appear. They besieged the castle but the ramparts were strong, and not having a scroll known as "warrant" they fled, their mouths slathering, vowing to return. But the king had a spy at the Learning Center, met under the cover of darkness and revealed the entire plot to him. She told him that the Fairy Princess had indeed been frolicking among the heather, but after going to SchoolNurse a demon had entered her blood and that's when SchoolNurse had summoned the wizards from 9-11 after informing the Black Knights of her intentions. She had waved the magic wand, known as "Insulin" with such ferocity that it had taken a full day before the effects of this wand should abate, just as the Master Wizards had foretold. The king was furious, but in his wisdom did not slay SchoolNurse and Neighbor forthright, but decided to meet with his Knights and prepare a special meal of mutton which shall soon be served to them, and there will be the wailing, and gnashing of teeth, as the King extracts his vengeance upon the evil ones and leaves no stone unturned.
I looked at the voice and said, "Here, you can have the sandwich. I have mutton to cook. There's your bedtime story, children. Sleep well.
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