We got a huge immigration problem. What makes it huge is the involvement of the Cartels. You see, as long as it was just Pablo slipping over the border to pick a few oranges everything was cool. It wasn't until the drug lords got involved with their agenda did we see the influx that we have today. What with running kids across as a diversion, and pumping dope all up and down the I-35 corridor on the way to that other country just north of us, it has really became a problem of Texas proportions!
In addition to that we have a developing issue in the Middle East. Heck, that's nothing new, but King George II is gone and we've got this guy from Kenya or somewheres up there in the White House. George just jumped on 'em, while Uncle Rhemus has a slightly different approach. He subscribes to the Bruce Lee line of reasoning. The art of fighting without fighting. He's using Ebola to get troops over there, then, before we know it, BAM, we're right back in a war with Mohammed and the boys!
I have figured a solution to all this guaranteed to get me the Nobel Peace Prize. No, really! Save your fork, this is gonna get good! Now you have to admit that catching a Cartel member has its challenges, but heck, there are so many it's kinda like finding a sweet fishing hole. Once you catch a big one there just seems to be no end. Texas' only problem has been when we finally goad Eric the Wiener Holder into arresting one of his buddies he just gives 'em a new gun, health care, and sends them right back to Nuevo Laredo for the next batch. This is frustrating. He doesn't seem to want to put them in jail.
Now, contrast this with the ISIS thing. Them boys have erased all the borders with one swipe of the Qu'ran and struck fear in the hearts of all good Muslims . . . BOTH of them! So here's my solution. Now, we catch a meth dealer. Instead of even trying to put him in jail, cause we know that won't work, we cut a deal. The Republic of Texas will send him to the Middle East with all the supplies he needs to set up shop, and we'll even bankroll him to start the business. How Republican is THAT? Before we do this, however, we need to get about fifteen boys from San Antonio to prepare the ground. Now, I know these boys personally, and I can assure you if they can do business in San Antonio they'll have no problem at all with a bunch of religious fanatics what don't like women. We keep grabbing these Cartel fellers and shipping them over there, oh, and we really don't have to tell Obama about this. What we do is right smack dab in the middle of the flu season we sent a bus load of school kids with runny noses to Washington on a sight seeing tour, and that'll keep them Washington folks jumping for a while. See how that works. I'll tell you how the Ebola thing figures in in a few.
When you have any new market you have to "salt" the ground. Give a little product away, or make it so cheap that just about everybody can afford it. So we've got Fernando cooking up Meth like he's running a KFC, and we got all these sun baked religious nuts a running around with just too much time on their hands. So, you introduce them to the pipe! Now they already smoke these water contraptions so it's pretty easy to replace them lemons and oranges they like with something a little more "interesting." And good stuff too. "Wierd Wilbur's Texas Best!" Pure and uncut, from our kitchen to YOU!
Once we get established it should be no problem sending a few more of them Cartel buddies of ours over there. ISIS ignores borders and Pablo and the boys don't have NO issues with borders either. They've already proved that. And I know, I know, I can hear it now, "But Wilbur. Them boys over there is religious. They'd never get into Meth!" Look, if you got some fool who'll put a stick of dynamite up his butt, light it, and stroll into a mall it won't take much convincing to get him a sucking on a pipe, ok?
We let the Cartels know that these Muslim fellers have all that oil money and that'll grab their interest, and as soon as we get enough of them guys over there in that desert introduced to the product we just start a raising the price. I figure in a reasonable period of time they won't be worried about Allah so much cause they'll be worried about that pipe! And look at the law of supply and demand. Why would the Cartel go through all that trouble to sell Meth for five dollars to some HomeBoy when they can sell it for five HUNDRED dollars to a Shiek? Pretty soon we won't have an Islamic State, we'll have a Cartel Combomilation! Now, lets go to the next level. In the interest of population control, we swing by the Ivory Coast, pick up a couple of them guys who REALLY have runny noses, give them a needle kit and set them to educating Ahmed and the gang on a new way to enjoy their new pastime. And them camel riding fellers may not conquer the world, but after a year or so on that pipe I'll assure you they WILL see God!
I should run for president, no, I really should!
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