While talking with someone yesterday I was accused of being “vague” when I write. Now I’ve been accused of a lot of things but vague is not one of them. It seems when I quit cussing so much in my articles I began to be “vague.” So, in the spirit of transparency I’m going to list things I don’t like, and try to clear up the mystery behind Bill the Butcher.
1. I am a Christian. I’m not a good Christian, In fact every time I go to confession my penance is to wash my mouth out with soap. I’ve been married more times than King Henry VIII, and the only way I will ever get through the Pearly Gates is by giving St. Peter a false ID. Jesus said seventy times seven, and He was just about right!
2. I don’t like Yankees. Now, I don’t hate Yankees. If you hate people you’ve never met that makes you a Muslim, but I prefer not to deal with Yankees. People who come to Texas from up yonder and stay are different. Staying in Texas has a cleansing effect on people, and it helps most transplanted Yankees. I can get along with them when in their territory. I’m not saying they are bad people, but I wouldn’t want one of them to marry my sister.
3. I hate Texas summers. Every year, long about July I start counting the days. Somehow I have it fixated in my mind that September 1st is the “cooling off” marker. Now, It’s not, but by then there is at least hope. You’ve made it through the worse of it and all the old people scheduled to die that summer have already departed by then, and at my age that’s important. You never know when your name is on the roster. Sitting on the RiverWalk in San Antonio in August is hell on earth. You can’t get DRUNK enough. And you see all these Yankees walking around, smiling, and you realize, THAT’S why I don’t like Yankees. They don’t have any sense!If you have grandkids it’s even worse. They’re all over you. I drink my beer “West Texas Cold,” which is “colder than ME.” And do NOT get one of those hose misting things unless you LIKE to sweat and itch. I walked under one of those things at Sea World one time and wondered, “Now, just why did I do that?”
4. Cops make me nervous. Back in the day Officer O’Flannery was everybody’s friend. He walked a beat, got free food from cafes, and helped little old ladies across the street. Now cops do everything they can to stay in the car, hate the world, get MAD if they have to even pay for a cup of coffee, and SHOOT little old ladies for reaching for their hearing aid. And they’ve got the shouting thing going on. Where did THAT originate? SHOW ME YOUR HANDS! Show you a FINGER! And the “stop resisting.” Have you ever tried to “stop resisting?” I’m going to try that on a date one of these days. STOP RESISTING!
5. I believe in the Republic of Texas. I’ve heard all the nonsense about how Texas canNOT be a Republic again, and I always refer to what I call the DeFacto Republic of Texas. Texas needs to start treating the USA like an ex-wife. You put up with her because you got kids. Well, America is like that. We have a history, but it’s an abusive one and we’re on a twelve step program to restore our dignity. Kinda like a rape. We just keep telling ourselves, “It wasn’t OUR fault.”
6. Gay Rights. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’m going there. Now, I’m all politically correct, but this is the silliest bunch of crap I’ve ever seen. I think what happens in the bedroom should STAY in the bedroom. Someone once told me, “You just find Gay Sex disgusting.” No, I find ALL sex disgusting unless I’m personally involved. I don’t like watching other people use the bathroom either.
7. Weird mental conditions or addictions. Oh, where do I begin. The minute someone does something weird they find some doctor who’ll put a name on it and try to apply for SSI. I got crushed by a car in 1971, left a slimy trail behind me for YEARS, and couldn’t even get handicapped parking! Then I see some guy getting out of his car and tap dancing into the store. What’s wrong with him. Parking in a normal parking space stresses him out. And addictions. Some guy on TV claims he’s addicted because he like to drink his own pee. “Oh, Wilbur, you just don’t understand.” I’m GLAD I don’t understand!
8. Women buying lottery tickets at a convenience store. When I find myself behind one of these I just put the beer down and leave. They have all the theories about which ticket to buy and the clerk struggles through all the requests trying to get the line to move. Then you have to wait while they find the money to pay, God HELP you if they use a card. You look at the line forming behind you and all those people are as mad as you are, they’re just too young to put a finger on it. And that’s right, I said WOMEN. My article, I can be racist.
9. Oh, yeah, there’s another one. People calling me a racist because they can’t counter me with logic. We’ve all been there. “Uh, I don’t really think that guy should have raped that two month old baby,” to which they say, “You’re just saying that ‘cause he’s black!” I have the perfect come back. “Well. . . yeah!” They sit there with their face hanging out. You have my permission to grin and enjoy that befuddled look. It’s priceless.
10. Negative people who hate on everything. If you want to be mad all the time that’s your business, but don’t bother me with it. Yeah, the country is screwed up, yeah your child support is behind, yeah your ex-wife just married your brother. Get OVER it. ONE positive thought can clear a lot of garbage. You’d be amazed. Tell you what; starting tomorrow don’t think about anything bad, and when you start to just remember something nice that happened that day and watch what comes about. It’s amazing. Hating and fretting won’t change a thing. Now this does NOT mean to skip through life without looking both ways, it just means you can’t stop the traffic, but the other side of the road IS there!
These are just ten things that tick me off, there are more. I don’t let them control me because I know I can’t control THEM. There are lots of things that will irritate me. Heck, single ply toilette tissue comes to mind. RAP, Michael Moore, fat women in stretch pants, but hey, it’s all good. Haven’t found much that a martini and a sunny day won’t cure. . . unless it’s in the summer on the RiverWalk!
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