Estúpido! Ok, that’s our word of the day. When Joaquín (El Chapo) Guzmán broke out of a Mexican federal prisión I laughed my testículos off! This guy had the resources to construct a subway under Altiplano Prison, complete with a tram, waved adiós to the cameras in his cell, and rode to freedom. Folks, you can’t make this stuff up. All that activity, not to mention dirt removal, and nobody noticed? This cat should be president of Mexico! Not to mention he’s one of the riches men in the world, undoubtedly the richest in Mexico, sells more drugs than Johnson and Johnson, causes traffic jams at the border, threatens ISIS, Trump, and mom’s Apple pie, Tweets daily, and most likely has a Facebook page. Pancho Villa must be spinning in his grave. Oh, the tunnel had ventilation. . . AIR CONDITIONING! It extended more than a mile. We need this man to renovate the rail system in Austin.
So how did he get caught? Save your fork, it gets better. Joaquín had a dream. He wanted his life story to be told. I mean, with holding up at least three quarters of the Mexican economy, I think he should, don’t you. He had this idea of a huge epic about his life, and Sean Penn chimed in to make it happen with the happy support of Rolling Stone Magazine. El Chapo, Sean Penn, and Rolling Stone. Now, folks, if that’s not the three stooges, I’m not a white boy from Austin! That’s the meat, not let’s mix in some cumin and chili powder. It seems Chapo wanted a certain Mexican starlet to play in his flick. Soooo, he sets out to arrange a meeting, oblivious to the Mexican authorities who were all over him.
His location was not a secret, people, don’t fool yourself. Go back to paragraph one. I grew up in Texas. I’ve TAKEN the obligatory trip to “Boy’s Town” in Nuevo Laredo, and apparently, so did Joaquín. Star struck, he was caught sleeping in bed with his drop dead gorgeous wife, when the Mexican Marines crashed the set. Now, surely the biggest dope dealer on the planet wouldn’t get caught chasing movie stars, right?
So El Chapo is right back in the same jail he strolled out of. Of course Interpol has served him with “formal” extradition, opposed to the more kínder, friendly type, I suppose, announced by the Mexican Attorney General. They have one of those? The Mexican authorities say it’s unclear how he escaped, but they “suspect” prison guards may have been involved. You think? This guy is estimated to make three billion dollars a year, and he’s in a town dealing in Pesos. Do the math! They don’t know how he got out. I submit it may have had something to do with that mile long super transit installed under the prison.
It seems too simplistic to think that someone who makes that kind of money could make such a stupid blunder, but I have seen pictures of Hitler staring across the English Channel at the White Cliffs of Dover, so I don’t know. Now, as my Puerto Rican friend, Jay, would say, I ain’t even gonna lie to you, I admire this guy. If I was the President of Mexico I’d give El Chapo a full pardon and put him in charge of the Mexican economy. Let’s see, he gives people products that they don’t need, makes tons of money, has outlets all over the world, millions of customers, pays his employees in pesos, has a virtul monopoly. I give you El Walmarto!
Simple Ol' Boy From Austin
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