Brits are fairly easy to get along with. They like "cowboys" for the most part, but as you work your way through Europe the opinions become, how would you put it, more "refined." Take India . . . PLEASE! Now I like Indian people. I mean, any culture that could come up with the Karma Sutra can't be all bad, but all it takes is one sour apple to make you consider the barrel. Now, they're industrious, fairly intelligent, and God knows there's a LOT of them! For the most part they don't eat Big Macs, and tend to worship critters, but that's cool, it's their opinion in Texans that they take an off ramp.
I met this one particular person. She read a few of my articles, watched a John Wayne movie, and became an expert on Bill the Butcher. She's ranting and raving about how ignorant I was, and I'm just studying her online pictures to see if I can get a look at her legs. Now, I don't mind being hated, it's my stock and trade, but hate me for the right reasons. First off, I'm not a racist, but that card plays so good she just had to play it. I'm white trash from PoDuck, Texas. Brothers and sisters, that's POOR! I literally grew up on tortillas and beans, NOT from Taco Bell. I was fourteen years old before I saw my first manufactured hamburger at a place called Burger Chef. In high school we could fit five people in the trunk of a Chevy to sneak into a drive in movie because we could only come up with one ticket.
You take a childhood like that and it kinda puts you on point. I'm direct, simple, no nonsense, and highly suspicious of ANYONE not in Texas. You bring that to a conversation with some kid from Buglety Bugelty, and you get, well, misunderstanding. So I've decided to give a little Texas Tutorial for folks who have never really stopped to consider the art of Texification.
Texas is NOT part of the DIS United States! Oh, they think we are, and we let 'em believe that, but just try to collect a judgement in Texas. For that matter just try to enforce ANYTHING from an out of state judge. I've SEEN it folks, I crappith thee NOT! Gays get all bent out of shape about the validity of their California marriages coming into question, DUDES, Texas doesn't recognize some Arkansas marriages and NO Mexican ones. We aren't trying to secede, we've BEEN gone, just the Yankees can't accept it.
We have freedom of religion in Texas. You can be anything you want, Baptist, Southern Baptist, Mormon, or Methodist. Yeah, that just about covers it. We don't get along with Moslems because they're always screaming and waving heads around. Now we don't mind cutting off a few heads, but we prefer it to be in the board room of Dell Computer. We don't mind men in dresses, or riding camels so long as its "over there!"
We support the second amendment. If you kill one of us, we will kill you back. Texas passed a law speeding up death penalty sentences. If certain conditions are met you go to the front of the line. In the words of Ron White, "While other states are trying to abolish death row, Texas put in an express lane." We believe in everyone's right to self defense so long as they're a Baptist, Methodist . . .well, you know. John Wayne didn't RIDE no camel!
In Texas we have well developed arts. There is two kinds of music, country AND western. I hear down in Houston they listen to rap. We've never really accepted the Grand Ol' Opry, unless you have Willie there, and he prefers the Austin Opry House to any pretenders. Willie's a little bit liberal, but he's getting on in years so we understand. We like Rock so long as it's Ted Nugent. Stevie Ray was cool, but he made the mistake of getting into a Yankee helicopter.
We support the president, George Bush. We haven't accepted that new guy in the White House yet. Watch the race cards start flying, folks. After the war of northern aggression we had a reconstruction governor. When we finally voted him out we had to go to Austin, grab him by the collar, and throw him out of the Governor's mansion, and that's pretty much what we'd like to do up in Washington IF we were involved, which we're NOT!
We don't understand European Unions, NATO, or any other things girly men from over there come up with. We view the world on two levels, Texas, and NOT Texas. We don't need Agenda 21 or anything else that has to be translated into fifty different languages. You tell us we can't drive our pick ups downtown, and we'll just run over you on our way to Walmart.
We respect our women folk. We particularly like the fact that Texas weather tends to make our ladies wear the least amount possible, up to and including that naked lady sitting on the steps in San Antonio recently because Texas women are the most beautiful in the world. California girls are cute, but you gotta make sure they ARE girls. Anyway, Cali girls are stuck up so they ain't good for much. Surfing, I guess.
We have no race problems in Texas. Stock cars abound, and our horses are faster, leaner, and better trained than any other in the world.
Our liquor laws are unique. We still have "dry" counties, but they're situated among "wet" counties so as to ease Texas nerves. Oh, we still have "Blue" laws that forbid whiskey on Sunday. You can buy beer after noon to give the Baptists time to get home from church and change clothes. If you just HAVE to get a shot you can go to a honky tonk like everybody else.
There are many other aspects of Texan behavior, but these should get you stated. Texas welcomes everyone with one rule: FORGET about where you come from, and don't try to change us. Since Texas is the best place to be in the whole wide world we figure that should be enough.
#texas #humor #satire
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