Big Bang and Other Little Pops

                                The Big Bang and Other Little Pops

     Man is a religious creature. It doesn't matter if you believe in creation, big bang, little bang or Walmart, man has always looked for answers. All groups agree on one thing, believe it or not. It all started somewhere. When you view it logically truths begin to emerge. At one point there was certainly nothing, and at this point there is certainly something. The debate is how did it all got here from there. 

     All organized religions posit a god, who looks a lot like them, who created everything. Atheists posit natural forces that look a lot like them that by and by made it all go round in circles. Their only problem is who designed the circles. From there you get the sets and subsets on what irritates this god, and what does he appreciate. Oh, and it's always a "he," never a she. 

     The Mormans claim god is a man, like you and me, who looks like Joseph Smith, I guess. The Jews think he looks like Moses, and that follows to the Christians. The Muslims don't get into that because they don't like images. The general rule is god looks like whatever belief set you follow. 

     Then, there's the nuts. Yeah, I'm gonna go there. Before I do let's have a lecture on holy books. They've all got a holy book. The Jews have the Torah. The Torah is actually five holy books, because supposedly that's all Moses wrote before he lost his contract. Some history, some rules, a little math, pretty good book. Depending on how tightly they wind that little string around their head, you know, the one with the box on it, anyway, ever how firmly attached that thing is will dictate their level of fervor for the faith. The ones that are really out there go to Jerusalem and bang their head on this huge wall until god talks to them. You can't make this stuff up, folks. 

     On top of that wall is a big ol' dome. Inside that dome is a rock. I'm not kidding, a real rock. They even got a fence around it. Around that fence is a bunch of guys who get MAD if you look at the rock sideways. Now these guys who control that rock think that Abraham put his kid on it and god told him to kill him. Before it was all over god relented, and Abraham had lamb chops instead. (Lucky kid!) Everything holy supposedly happened on that rock. I'm not saying its not a nice rock, but c'mon, it's a rock, ok?

     Then, there's the Christians. There are as many Christian belief sets as there are stars in the sky, or is that children  of Abraham, I don't know. Anyway, that's the three big religions springing from the Holy Land. Now the only these groups all agree on is they wish the other two would go away. The Christians want you to convert, the Jews just want you out of Israel, and the Muslims, well, they have a more direct approach, but we won't go there for now. 

     The three main groups, Jewish, Muslim, and Catholic are pretty well set in their beliefs.  Then here comes the Americans! Land of the free, home of the brave, and fertile ground for every nut with a Bible. Before I get into this next part I want to make it clear that there are good, Bible believing Christians out there. I'm just after the funny ones. Ones like the Westboro Baptist Church. These holy relics parade around the country protesting funerals. They would have protested Mother Theresa's funeral if they could have afforded the air fare. They line up across the street and chant and yell ass mourners file out with their loved one. Most of the time the Westboro Baptist Church turns into the Church of the Eternal Ass Whooping at these events. 

     From here we go to the south and find snake charmers. These guys kiss rattlesnakes. Now, I'm just a simple ol' boy from Austin, but my mama told me to never kiss a snake. You see, there's this passage at the end of the gospel of Mark that says if the Lord is with you then the snake won't bite, and if he does he'll just slip you the tongue and you'll be alright. It also says you'll be the only one walking out of Jonestown licking your lips. If they ever looked into it they would find that those passages were ADDED years later. Can you imagine Jesus saying, "I am the truth, and the light...now go out and kiss a snake!" Yet, not a year goes by that some snake don't kiss back and some preacher pounds on the pearly gates. See, when you get bit in the lips, you have to put a tourniquet around your neck...well, just saying.

     Then there's them little groups that spring up here and there. Usually ten or less, say nine girls and a guy, and guess what Jesus told THEM to do? It wasn't kiss a SNAKE! They're kissing something altogether different. Mix in a little weed, a little wine and you got SALvation. These churches usually last until the first paternity suit, and the Lord moves on. 

     Come to the last, which is one guy, with a Bible of course, who has the end of the world all figured out. And there ain't no room for discussion cause he's got de LAWD! These guys usually don't have many, if any followers because they're too crazy even for the snake charmers off in Arkansas. They are out to convert humanity one woman at a time. Pay the rent, no problem, end of the world. Get a job, end of the world. Watch TV ...END OF THE WORLD! What they don't see is Jesus never said, "End of the world," He said, "End of the AGE!" See, there's these twelve signs of the zodiac running so many years,  but that's not what they see in their King James. 

     If you digest Jesus' words you find a pretty astute old boy who just about boiled down the Torah into a workable document. He changed the world in about three years and did it on foot. Two thousand years later his detractors are still trying to prove he didn't just get up and walk out of His grave like He had good sense. I pretty much subscribe to Jesus. I just don't agree with all His handlers that have shown up. I do like the nine girls, though.